In A Rut (And Other Stuff)

I feel stuck and I don’t know how to get unstuck. I work for a very large company and often feel like I’m just another cog in the wheel. My parents both worked the same job until retirement so that’s what my normal was/is. 4 years ago I almost went into business for myself in a completely different field than the one I’m in now but I self sabotaged that. Now? Back in the corporate rut and knowing what I do doesn’t matter. It also looks like my new manager lied to me about this position being fully remote which I let them know during the interview would be a deal breaker for me. My company is talking about a return to office in early September and the thought of having to deal with the commute and being crammed in a cubicle again makes my stomach turn. So, another job change might be in my very near future. Maybe I should just start trying to pick up contract work in my field? I kind of cringe thinking about going the contract route just because of all the shitty contractors I’ve had to deal with in the past. But on the other hand I 100% know I wouldn’t be a shitty contractor. I’m very good at my job, my old job that is, and I think I could make more money doing that as well. But how the hell does someone even make the switch from a full time role into a contractor role?

I’ve been considering getting my college degree but I worry how I would manage that, my health mental and physical, and make it seem I like I give a shit about whatever meeting I’m currently sitting in. I’m also single and feel more and more alone the older I get. I’m terrified of opening myself up to a relationship since my previous relationships haven’t been the most healthy. Hell, I’ve been single for 9-ish years and haven’t so much as been on one date during that time. I don’t want to be alone anymore but I don’t know how to get “back in the game” as it were. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want in a partner but that initial step of putting myself out there always makes me reconsider. Maybe I should “Just Do It”?

I’ve been remiss in keeping this blog updated. There’s been multiple times over the last week or so that I’ve wanted to write something but hesitated because of various excuses I told myself. Instead of just sitting down and letting my brain flow (or vomit?) onto the keyboard I find something that’s meaningless to focus on. I need to be better about that.

My health has been really good since my diabetes diagnosis back in early May. My blood sugar has been “in range” every single time I’ve checked it and I’ve lost 22lbs so far. I have more energy, my mind is clearer and I’ve been eating better than I ever have before. My daily routine is solid and has been repeatable without issue. I’ve added more mundane tasks to it like making my bed, washing dishes at night and other things that “normal” people probably do without thinking about them. Speaking of dishes, a while back I put up all my extra dishes, silverware, cups, pots/pans, etc so that I would be forced to wash dishes after using them. It didn’t quite work out as I’d planned. For a while I kept up with it and I must admit it was really nice always having a clean cup,fork, whatever but then a family member had a health issue that had me at the hospital for a week and then managing all aspects of their life for the next few months. In fact, I’m still managing a lot for them now. If I’m being honest I do resent the fact that they rely on me so much. This is not exactly what I signed up for, but, I do love them and will continue to do whatever I can to help them. It’s just been a lot on top of all my issues.

I could keep writing but I think I’m going to go re-vamp my dating profile on a couple of sites and see what happens. The more I think about it the more I think I’m ready to meet someone for coffee or lunch at least.

Talk Soon.

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June 13, 2021

Good luck with your endeavours. 🙂

June 14, 2021

@kartoffeltorte Thank you! 🙂