It’s Late, or Early

I can’t sleep. My mind is racing. Things have been going really well lately and I’m worried that this upswing will inevitably lead to a downswing. This one feels different tho. I’ve never been so excited about a hobby. I wake up thinking about photography, I dream about it and I’ve had a couple of restless nights where I just grab my camera and go to my little town’s “city center” (lol, it’s really funny it’s called that b/c the whole “city” is about 4 blocks long by 6 blocks wide but whateve) and just take pictures. I take pictures that I’ve taken before at different times of the day and I get totally different views. That makes me excited! I try not to review the photos while I’m out, mainly b/c I like to stay focused on what’s around me, but some looks so good in my mind’s eye I want to see if I’ve gotten anywhere close to that with the camera. It does happen sometimes and I get a little flutter in my chest, which I’m pretty sure is excitement and not a heart attack ;-), and that feeling, that rush makes me happy and I feel … normal. Or at least what I think is normal. I’ve gotten to crave it and I look forward to every minute that I’m taking pictures or studying/watching youtube to make myself a better photographer.

Tonight I did something I’ve never done before. I entered one of my photos in a contest. The top 3 finishers get a cash prize of $1000, $600, and $400 respectively. There are other prizes like a portfolio review from a very well known photographer and a few others. I was just about to say “I don’t expect to win or anything” but I put a photo up that I absolutely *love*. It’s one that I think about and look at constantly. I have no idea how many other photos are in the contest and I don’t care. I want to win. I won’t be disappointed if I don’t win (or will I? hmm..I’ll have to think about that and post back once the winners are announced) and I will just keep moving forward. I’m not doing this for any kind of external feedback. I’m doing it because it genuinely makes me happy and I want to see how far and how good I can get. Maybe that’s ego but I honestly don’t care. I want to be happy and this is what makes me happy and it’s really the only thing that’s consistently made me happy for more than a few weeks in decades so I’m holding on to it. Maybe it was the diabetes diagnosis that changed my outlook on life. Before that I didn’t want to leave the house any more than I had to. Now? Like I said there’s been a few times that I just pick up my camera and go. I’ve been more active in general and I buy groceries on a regular schedule now and the “mundane” tasks of life seem to be a bit easier.

My eyes are finally getting heavy so getting all of this out of my head has definitely helped.