Something I did realize this week is that I really don’t give a shit about job, and haven’t in a really long time. I’m not fulfilled by it, it doesn’t challenge me or anything like that. I just don’t care. I remember a line from one of my favorite movies, “it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” So what do I care about? I’ve spent a large portion of my life in this field and realized several years ago that I got into it because of the money and now, because so many years have passed I feel trapped in it *by* the money. Don’t get me wrong, I like not having to worry about basics in life. Hell, I just recently started budgeting and honestly didn’t realize how much money I spend on crap I don’t need to impress people I don’t care about (yea, that’s another movie quote). I want to find something that fulfills me but also pays the bills and I have absolutely no idea how to do that.
I’ve seen one of those random questions that people post to their social medias, and I feel like I may’ve shared it here before but here it is again.
If money were no object and all your needs were met, what would you do for work?
My first thought goes to film making. I’d love to travel and be a documentary film maker. I made a few videos and put them on youtube several years ago but got in my own head that I was terrible and put a lot of unneeded pressure on myself. And of course I was terrible! I was just learning. I’ve attempted to try filming things again a various points but I’ve never edited any of the footage or posted it. I think I could be really good at it but I’m so, stuck, in this “comfortable” life of being able to pay my bills, put some money away and buy trinkets that I always talk myself out of it with some bullshit reason like “I hate the sound of my voice”. Which, to be fair, I do but so does everyone, right? I dunno, I’m really reaching a point in my life where I need to shit or get off the proverbial pot. I knew this job change wouldn’t make my life better or perfect and I felt that this new role wasn’t the right path for me but I took it anyway b/c I’m so goddamned burned out on my profession I had to make some kind of change.
Fuck. I hate this feeling and what I hate most is the feeling of wasting what life I have left and being miserable. I need to make a change. I need to get off my comfortable ass and introduce discomfort before my disdain for my job fucks things up.
Ok, good talk!