What if I just, disappeared?

Let me start out by saying this is more of a thought experiment and something I think a lot about when I’m stressed in order to calm myself.

What if I just left? I’m fascinated by the thought of it. Could it even be done in 2021? I’ve been online since the mid-90’s with chat rooms, bbs’s, etc so my digital footprint is pretty broad. I haven’t consistently used cash since the 2003-ish and just last year I used the last paper check from an account I opened in 2006. I know that leaving and starting over somewhere either anonymously or as me isn’t going to magically fix the issues I have but the idea of just cutting everything and everyone off really brings me a sense of peace. I’ve never told anyone about this b/c I also feel bad that I feel that way. As I’ve mentioned before I feel stuck and that’s been a consistent feeling for the past several years. Picking up and moving is just not something I can currently due to family obligations which make me feel even more stuck. Other than that reason there is nothing tying me to the area I am in. If I could I’d love to just take a month and visit some of the places I’ve picked out to move to and live/work from there to see how it is. Maybe that would temporarily scratch this itch I have that I can’t scratch by going camping or taking weekend day trips.

I also think a lot about not waking up. I’m not keen on suicide, in the past I’ve looked down the barrel of a loaded gun and decided that I wasn’t brave enough to take that route. I wish it wasn’t so taboo to discuss suicide b/c I do believe that is the one right that every single person has that can’t be taken away. If a person wants to end their life they should be able to do so without judgement based on someone else’s beliefs/ideals.

I have more I want to say on this but I just can’t seem to get my thoughts straight to put them into words. So on that note I must now go toil away for 8 hours in a job I don’t like in a field I dislike even more. Good times, I suppose.

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I think I get it. After I lost my job March 5, I have thought of suicide a lot. I have 2 birds I need to care for so I stay alive. Also I feel suicide takes some courage. Thing about it is that sometimes we can fuck it up and be crippled. Also, if someone loves us deeply we can hurt them badly. I did the suicide thing with poison when I was a teen. There was that cliche’d tunnel of light then back. I think we all feel stuck. I know that feeling of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. Easy way. Recently I have come to think of all those poor bastards that died much younger than I and often so horribly. I hope you CAN take a vacation. Just GO off by yourself. Find a very quiet place perhaps. Suicide IS a right but as I often say: “Fuck it. I got more movies I want to see” 😉 I am an atheist and not going to throw any spiritual BS at you. I read what you wrote and want you to know that yeah someone else gets it.

July 10, 2021

@skobru I appreciate that and I appreciate more that you didn’t throw any of the old, tired tropes out 🙂

@anotherblogger I tried to avoid the bullshit. Too many people talk shit they don’t know and have not experienced. As for guns and blowing brains out, be a nice dude and think of the poor bastards that have to clean up the mess you made of yourself! 😉 Be cool. 🙂