Lonely is a complicated word. You could be absolutely surrounded by people at work, or at home and still feel so disconnected. And that’s how I felt. I felt disconnected from my husband.
I decided if we couldn’t connect on a healthy level then I’m going to find someone to connect with. I was very much interested in a male companion, that was supposed to be the man I married but the one I soon found myself confiding in was someone else’s husband.
Yes, I know, call me home-wrecker, cheater, whore, bitch… every name in the book, just throw them right at me. Trust me, I’ve called myself these names and worse more times than I care to count. I was married and I found an online site for people in similar situations. This man and I immediately hit it off. We spent that first night talking for hours. He explained he was married, had been for about the same amount of time as me but he and his wife have been together for the last decade prior to our meeting. At any rate, he said that he has always had a “side chick” from the start. That even though he loved his wife he still felt something was missing. I really didn’t care about that. And truth be told, even if we never met for sex I still would have just enjoyed talking to him, he was someone who understood me. Even though I didn’t know him, he was relatable. And he was safe right, like we were complete strangers so anything I told him was free of consequence. I could be 100% authentic and honest about myself and everything in my life because why would I care what this stranger thought of me.
Well, we spoke on the phone and texted for about a month before we decided to meet up. I would pretend to go to work but actually drive 30 miles north to a hotel to meet him for a few hours.
Surely I felt guilt. I felt weird. This was not my husband. This was another womans husband. And what of my own family. The feelings of dysfunction at home, the lack of physical closeness and the disconnect that existed between us clouded my judgement on was was acceptable. And looking back, none of this was acceptable. But it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it now.
I’m going to call the other guy John. John and I had a few more meetings like this throughout the year we were talking. We texted each other for a couple hours every evening. We were actually becoming pretty good friends. But that “friendship” was founded on lies and deceit so I don’t know how meaningful it was.
So at this point in time, things are looking pretty bleak at home. I’m depressed and absolutely unhappy, as I’m sure my husband was. My children were paying the price for that. I decide that I can’t live this way. And I surely do not want the girls growing up in this kind of house.
I tell my husband that it’s time we separate. I didn’t tell him about John, but that was weighing quite heavily on my conscience. He suggested that we go to marriage counseling or therapy individually and really try to work things out. I wanted to be honest, I was not interested in this marriage any longer. So I moved out. I got my own apartment for me and my girls, they would stay with me for 4-5 days a week. I didn’t want to take them completely away from their dad or the only home that they have ever known so I agreed to that custody arrangement.
John came to the new apartment a couple times when the girls were with their dad. But I was still unhappy. I started to resent John. I didn’t like this apartment. I didn’t like being separated from my girls. And even though my husband and I never got a long I still felt very uncomfortable leaving.
I turned to alcohol to ease my heartache. No, I wasn’t an alcoholic or develop a dependence on it but it sure helped. Or maybe it did, I don’t really know.
I told John that we don’t need to talk anymore. Yes, it was my fault for what happened but I still held him somewhat accountable. I didn’t want to see him anymore. But I didn’t outright block him. I just spoke to him a lot less.
But I was dealing with depression and I was not in a good place at all. My friends invited me out for drinks one night after work. Now, keep in mind that prior to leaving my husband, I never drank alcohol. I maybe had 3 drinks total in 5 years so…
But anyway, my friends invited me out and I wasn’t familiar with bars in the area and I definitely was not familiar or comfortable in a club type setting. So we settled on a little hole in the wall dive bar. And I’ll never forget that night. Because that is the night my life changed forever. That was the night I met him.