Out of control

I don’t know if its just me, but sometimes I get these flashes. These flashes of pure blind rage, bitterness, pettiness, and helplessness mixed together. I still really don’t understand what it is, if its normal for everyone to have that. I find that I mumble to myself during it, too. Or I keel over, hold my head in my hands, try and crush my head in between my palms like I’m trying to press an off switch inside there. It’s hard, in those moments, to not do something totally irrational and ruin my night, or worse, someone elses. It’s scary not quite knowing what it is or what to do with it, especially when there’s no one else there to tell me what’s going on, or tell me what I want to hear.

Then, I come out of it like it never happened. I revert back to this state of apathy and rationale in the blink of an eye like the past 15 minutes wasn’t even real. That inconsistency, that lack of control, its concerning, to say the least. Suddenly my brain doesn’t feel so full anymore and my heart doesn’t feel like its pulsing in my throat, just like that. Its as if there’s a little dude in a mainframe in my brain that tripped and fell over all the buttons on accident, as if nothing I do has any cohesion or sense half the time. Holding my head in my hands right now, not knowing what the hell I’m doing.

I was at a student game night a few hours ago. There was a lot of people, I joined a game downstairs, making about 10 people in the room overall. I barely said anything, barely made eye contact, barely participated. I wanted to participate, but I just don’t think I can force myself to. It’s not my crowd; they’re nice people, but too much for me. Too loud, and not an ounce of relatability between us. I ended up making an Irish exit while everyone had their eyes closed, I’m pretty sure no one noticed. I believe this is just another example of why I am just not made for the kind of life I’m trying to force myself into. I’d rather be alone, or back home in my home city with my friends whom I actually know and want to be around. Or with Joey, I miss him a lot.

I’m trying to look at myself from a third person perspective in that room. Not a smile on my face, and the ones that are don’t reach my eyes. Quiet as a mouse, not a peep. Am I wrong for being so apprehensive to make myself known? I’m very shy, so I can’t hold that against myself, but I feel there’s a threshold where eventually you must do something. If I were me, and I was in a room with me, I’d probably hate myself. I’d mutter under my breath, “Quit being so miserable, you divvy.” Then again, I also can’t fault myself for trying. I did more than I usually do today. Attended a whole morning seminar, had a phonecall with a psychotherapist, attended a game, did my injection, and went about my normal routine. Perhaps I should stop being so negative about everything and congratulate myself for the little things. It’s not much, but maybe I can convince myself that its enough.

I have my first every appointment with a psychotherapist this Friday. I’m looking forward to it, I’m looking forward to seeing how different it is from regular counselling, and if with enough dedication, I can maybe start to see some changes in my behaviour. I am doing for change in myself, I really do wanna do something to get over these roadblocks. But its not just for me. Instead, I’m mostly doing it to show those around me that I’m serious. No half measures, I want to show them I can be better. I believe I will be better; I’m not that much of a pessimist, believe it or not. But, like a lot of other things that I’ve mentioned in these entries, I want it to be evidence. Plausability to my name and my actions, to show that I don’t want to stay the same. Some may argue that my reasoning is harmful, that I should be striving only for myself and that I should want to see improvement solely for me and not validation. And I understand that. The thing is: I could go my whole life as I am now. Feeling alone, and not making any changes. But I’m motivated by love – my journey for it and my journey to preserve it.

This was a bit more rambly than my other posts, I’m still trying to make a habit out of making something out of nothing. Its working, I think. I’ve not felt a drive like this for a while. I’m excited to share this, one day. I plan to, as a show of my humanity that I otherwise try so hard to stuff in the back of the closet. This will work. It has to; its my ‘Plan A’. My ‘Plan B’? – Try really hard at the first plan. Once again, thank you.