I think the earliest I can remember having a written journal was around 9 and progressed to OpenDiary in high school. I deleted that journal and began this one in 2006, recapping my entire life story up until then, from the perspective of an 18 year old. From 2006 until OD shutdown in 2014, I wrote over 1000 entries. In 2018 I discovered OD had been revived along with this journal, however I wasn't ready to come back. Now nearing 34, and finding this journal still exists after 15 fucking years... how can I not continue?

Latest Entry

I’ve found the strength to fight it

October 21, 2021
A long time ago I built a house in my mind. I made sure it was the most disgusting place I could imagine. I've written about it several times previously. When I started therapy, I decided I would build a new house. A stable foundation. But I made the mistake of leaving the old one intact,…
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Recent Entries

  • 10/21/21*
    October 21, 2021
    She sees me only for one second and says "I love you too Matt" Thank you for giving me that one last time mom. I will hold that moment forever. She slept for most of the time I was with her. I stood at the edge of the bed and whispered that I'm leaving. That…
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  • 10/20/21
    October 20, 2021
    "My whole life is gone." And she isn't wrong. She wanted to travel, to spend time with family after retirement. She didn't do any of it. Even before dementia, a bad shoulder surgery left her mentally and physically incapable and continuing to move forward. And then dementia set in. Slowly eating ...
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  • Some day everyone gets left behind
    October 20, 2021
    I've been waiting for this call a long time she says to me. Everyday of not knowing has been torture. I take for granted that I at least know what's happening to my mom. Despite how horrible it is, at least I know. I'll be seeing her in a few hours. I'm trying to keep…
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  • Make amends with you
    October 17, 2021
    I haven't seen James, my best friends step dad, since I left for college. He shakes his head and says, "You look so much like Grant." And it's funny, because of my sick sense of humor, that right after I get to tell him my father passed away a few years ago and isn't actually…
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  • How we like to be told
    October 14, 2021
    I'm sitting in the airport parking lot smoking weed because I'm way too early for this stupid overnight flight. A product of your mom constantly making you late, or at least pushing the boundaries of punctuality. And either way, I still don't know how to plan things right. I don't even have a rid...
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  • To an internet stranger
    October 13, 2021
    Thank you for inspiring me in this small way.   Within your mind you are infinite. Don’t let anything or anyone keep you small. Expand.    Don't ever forget.
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  • A pictures of better days
    October 13, 2021
    There were times there was nothing she could do,  But lie in bed all day, beside a picture of them together  A picture of better days   I can't let myself fall all the way down this hole, but it's so easy and comforting. Like un-fucking-believably easy and comforting to come back here. I'm s...
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  • Ache with me
    October 13, 2021
    Her father died died around 30 years ago maybe. Her and her siblings had been waiting with him in the hospital for a few days. She said she wouldn't leave him when it was time. He told her to go home, that it would be okay. She never forgave herself for leaving that night. Allowing…
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  • She kept secrets of pride locked so tight in her heart
    October 12, 2021
    ...It killed a part of her before the rest was gone   Sometimes I get curious about what I've written previously. And every time I get curious, I get reminded... Like watching my life story. Who I am. The things I've done and seen and thought. No, it's much more intimate. Reflecting on a lif...
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