I think the earliest I can remember having a written journal was around 9 and progressed to OpenDiary in high school. I deleted that journal and began this one in 2006, recapping my entire life story up until then, from the perspective of an 18 year old. From 2006 until OD shutdown in 2014, I wrote over 1000 entries. In 2018 I discovered OD had been revived along with this journal, however I wasn't ready to come back. Now nearing 34, and finding this journal still exists after 15 fucking years... how can I not continue?

Latest Entry

Grit

November 25, 2021
Its quiet in my neighborhood. It's a holiday weekend so I shouldn't be too surprised, but it's the type of quiet that haunts you a bit. You can hear everything. Thoughts are louder. I tip toe around my apartment so I don't miss anything. And god fucking forbid someone hears me. There's this voice...
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Recent Entries

  • Don’t you even bother
    November 24, 2021
    My dog has been sick and shitting all over my apartment the last few days. Today there was a spot of blood so I'm a bit worried. I should've started him on a bland diet sooner. He isn't showing any other changes in behavior so that's good. It sucks because my friends are hanging out…
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  • She was warm beside me
    November 22, 2021
    Admittedly, and obviously, I haven't been keeping up here much. My friend sent me a picture of her boobs today. I told her she was sexy and she said she needed the ego boost. Hard not to feel like that's all people have wanted from me lately. The girl I had a crush on for…
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  • Your voice echoes in the back of my mind
    November 13, 2021
    I look at the pictures on my fridge. Sometimes I talk to them. I tell them I miss them. I wish you were here I say. But they're just pictures on the fridge. And those people aren't coming back. I have three boxes that contain what used to be people and I'm waiting for one…
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  • And it’s only about survival
    November 10, 2021
    I brought my dog to work for a few hours today and he was the best boy. It made me so happy to have him with me and for him to not be alone. Everyone at my job loved him too so I'm hoping he can come for regular visits! It was a really nice…
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  • I have become the sun of nothing
    November 1, 2021
    I've been pretty neutral lately, but more numb than just okay. I feel stuck because I'm waiting for something else bad to happen. Well just one thing in particular really. But also anything else. The bowls of shit have been stacking up and I guess I am just fucking starving now. So what's next? S...
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  • Old habits
    October 31, 2021
    I quit smoking around this time, 5 years ago. I had smoked for almost a decade prior to that. When I broke up with my ex I started bumming from my coworker, trying to keep it social more than habitual. But when I went home a few weeks ago for my friends wedding, I smoked…
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  • Because doing can start to form a habit
    October 30, 2021
    I'm wondering where all the words went now. I feel pretty numb. I'm isolating. I'm looking forward to my next cigarette and my next beer, both of which have been on my mind since I woke up. I'm replacing chemical habits in my brain with other chemical habits. I'm trying not to give in to…
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  • And if something doesn’t break
    October 30, 2021
    I'm just gonna go Go fucking insane   I've been pretty empty lately. Pretty god damn fuckin empty. I wonder what it will take to fill this emptiness.
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  • Live with me in the sin forever
    October 26, 2021
    I'm relapsing and it sucks. I started smoking cigarettes again. I'm trying to fuck strangers in motels again. I'm thinking about death again. And the dead. The dying. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I want to sleep in but I have to get up. Try to stay afloat, but this feeling is more like…
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