I am like a soft, warm, undefined, gentle mist. I feel as if I am often in soft focus, background music to the dance of life. Rarely do I share my true opinion, and even more rarely is it appreciated.

When I do stand for something, I have been told that I'm intimidating, sharp, dangerous. So, I defend those who can't defend themselves, and when I am done I dissolve again into smoke. I fear I am not enough, but also too much.

So, this is my journey: to step into the light, define my edges, and become more comfortable with my claws. Onward, and ever clearer.

Latest Entry

038. In the mirror

December 30, 2020
So, I have a problem with my self-image. I kinda always have, actually. I look in the mirror, or at pictures of myself, and it's always a little jarring, because my internal image of ME doesn't match what I'm seeing. There's like this disconnect between my inner self and what I actually look like...
Continue Reading...

Recent Entries

  • 037. Merry Christmas, everyone
    December 25, 2020
    Merry Christmas. This is a strange holiday for me this year. There are friends that I normally see that I haven't this year. There are family members that I normally call that I'm not talking to this year. There are fewer presents under the tree for previously stated reasons. However, it's still ...
    Continue Reading...
  • 034. In my purse
    November 2, 2020
    "I have extra bandages in my purse." These are the words that escape my mouth when I'm asked how I am. It's a well-meaning question, but I don't even know how to explain the mental space I occupy lately, even to well-meaning people. I'm restless, hypervigilant, and increasingly exhausted. The lev...
    Continue Reading...
  • 030. Revelations and self-care
    October 7, 2020
    2020 is the year that I've been forced to get my sh*t together. And, no, it's not going terribly well, but it's been one major wakeup call after another. Am I still burned out? Yes. Am I still working a thankless job? Yes. Am I still overweight? YES. But I've realized that I can't continue…
    Continue Reading...
  • Asset 5
    029. Research, research, research
    October 6, 2020
    Still working on the characters and world-building of my story. I'm knee-deep in research about electric eels, king cobras, octopi, poisonous trees, and other random things. And, by research, I do mean internet searches. My local library is still closed to the public. The story I'm doing research...
    Continue Reading...
  • Asset 5
    028. Taking the plunge
    October 2, 2020
    At the request of my husband, my sister, my friends, some of my coworkers, and even an old family friend from my childhood, I have started therapy again. Therapy has been one of the best things in my life to turn it around. It's also super anxiety-inducing for me to meet a new therapist. I'm…
    Continue Reading...
  • 025. “Smoke Dragon”
    September 10, 2020
    This is my struggle -- to become who I really am, and to be comfortable with it. Growing up, it became evident to me that being quiet and unseen was preferred. Opinions of my own weren't valued; I became a pro at mirroring back people's own opinions, even with few context clues to tell me…
    Continue Reading...
  • 024. Sunny days
    September 5, 2020
    Last night, my mother had her first skype call with my daughter in months. It was monitored by my husband, it was short, and my step-father was present, as I had specified. My mother tends to go on mini-rants about things she hates (which could be anything - examples include colors she doesn't li...
    Continue Reading...
  • 015. Unwelcome return to normalcy
    June 23, 2020
    I got catcalled today. It's the first time in nearly three months. Let's backtrack a little. I feel as if I am starting the story in the middle. I'm pretty. I'm not saying that to be annoying or arrogant. Certainly, my body isn't anywhere close to model-perfect. I'm close to 65 pounds overweight,...
    Continue Reading...
  • 012. Slowly healing
    June 14, 2020
    I can feel myself slowly healing for the first time in a long while. Ever so slowly, it's like pieces of me that I didn't realize were damaged have started coming back to life. I am suddenly very aware that there is a gaping, open wound in my soul. The edges have begun the process…
    Continue Reading...

Search Entries

  • Use dropdowns or search terms above to find entries.

Chapters