f u s i o n
 
 I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilized. I wish it showed me in a better light, if not happier, then at least more active, less hesitant, less distracted by trivia. I wish it had more shape. I wish it were about love, or about sudden realizations important to one's life, or even about sunsets, birds, rainstorms, or snow.
 
 Maybe it is about those things, in a way; but in the meantime there is so much else getting in the way, so much whispering, so much speculation about others, so much gossip that cannot be verified, so many unsaid words, so much creeping about and secrecy. And there is so much time to be endured, time heavy as fried food or thick fog; and then all at once these red events, like explosions, on streets otherwise decorous and matronly and somnambulent.
 
 I'm sorry there is so much pain in this story. I'm sorry it's in fragments, like a body caught in crossfire or pulled apart by force. But there is nothing I can do to change it.
 
 I've tried to put some of the good things as well. Flowers, for instance, because where would we be without them?
 
 
Nevertheless it hurts me to tell it over, over again. Once was enough: wasn't once enough for me at the time? But I keep going on with this sad and hungry and sordid, this limping and mutilated story, because afterall I want you to hear it, as I will hear yours if I ever get the chance, if I meet you or if you escape, in the future or in heaven or in prison or underground, some other place. What they have in common is that they're not here. By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you, I believe you're there, I believe you into being. Because I'm telling you this story I will your existence. I tell, therefore you are.

 

  -margaret atwood-
 
 
 

 
We're - all of us, haunted and haunting.
 
 
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Latest Entry

chaos + crisis.

December 12, 2017
I haven’t written in a week & it is for a very good reason. The last wk has been spent going from crisis to crisis, trying to recover from shock & heart break. I can’t quite write about it in detail because I am still recovering and recuperating. And feel very emotionally drained & di...
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Recent Entries

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