f u s i o n
I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilized. I wish it showed me in a better light, if not happier, then at least more active, less hesitant, less distracted by trivia. I wish it had more shape. I wish it were about love, or about sudden realizations important to one's life, or even about sunsets, birds, rainstorms, or snow.
Maybe it is about those things, in a way; but in the meantime there is so much else getting in the way, so much whispering, so much speculation about others, so much gossip that cannot be verified, so many unsaid words, so much creeping about and secrecy. And there is so much time to be endured, time heavy as fried food or thick fog; and then all at once these red events, like explosions, on streets otherwise decorous and matronly and somnambulent.
I'm sorry there is so much pain in this story. I'm sorry it's in fragments, like a body caught in crossfire or pulled apart by force. But there is nothing I can do to change it.
I've tried to put some of the good things as well. Flowers, for instance, because where would we be without them?
Nevertheless it hurts me to tell it over, over again. Once was enough: wasn't once enough for me at the time? But I keep going on with this sad and hungry and sordid, this limping and mutilated story, because afterall I want you to hear it, as I will hear yours if I ever get the chance, if I meet you or if you escape, in the future or in heaven or in prison or underground, some other place. What they have in common is that they're not here. By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you, I believe you're there, I believe you into being. Because I'm telling you this story I will your existence. I tell, therefore you are.
We're - all of us, haunted and haunting.
I tried to post this 3 days ago but then lost my roughdraft when I went off the page for second. I was on my iphone & use my phone for everything! I have a laptop but rarely use it except to get pix off phone as it just seems easier to do everything on…Continue Reading...
My uncle Jimmy died last week. Tbh, I’m still processing and am upset because of the way his life ended. It is very disturbing + haunting to me. He lost his mind. It started b/t 5-10 yrs ago. He had a brain injury on the job (electrician) & disintegrated very fast after with dementia. He…Continue Reading...
Well, it’s been so long since I wrote that I don’t even know where to begin. I did write at pb for a while but that ended a year & a half ago. I didn’t really have many friends or readers but the ones I did have, seemed to write less & less or just…Continue Reading...
Everyone is giving testimonials and saying their goodbyes on OD. It has been heartbreaking and I feel like I am in mourning :( While it may seem pointless to some, I think it is necessary and needed in order to move on. Plus many are leaving contact info for those who want to keep in…Continue Reading...
(the end of an era) I don't know how to write a farewell. I've never been good at letting go or good with goodbye's but all I can say is that I feel pretty disheartened and saddened by the upcoming death and loss of od. I knew it was inevitable but I didn't expect it and…Continue Reading...
Of course, I would have to come down with some sort of sore throat/cold flu virus the morning of Christmas Eve and spend most of the night feeling fairly sick and taking as many doses of nyquil as possible, cepacol throat drops every two hrs to numb my throat, ricola cherry honey throat drops in&...Continue Reading...
Unbelievable! it's taken me a week to log in here! Didn't think it would return to the new year. I have a lot to catch up on and repost from where I'd been writing and posting during this last week. Because it's rather lengthy, it will have to be posted in several parts. Though I…Continue Reading...
I haven't been able to get this David Letterman Interview out of my head ever since I saw it last week. It was one of the strangest interviews I'd seen in a while yet I found it highly entertaining and amusing. I also felt strangely reassured and comforted that I'm not the only one…Continue Reading...
Something more light hearted for all! Thank you to everyone who has noted lately and for being such a supportive friend to me. I really appreciate it. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! I hope everyone has a wonderful day and you are surrounded by those who love you and appreciate you! xoxo, A....Continue Reading...
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