If I could go anywhere right now, I would go to a movie-fied version of Paris in the 1950’s…all Technicolor pastels…and with all the sparkle of the celluloid that captured it…and I would stride down the street in my heels, walking a poodle & smoking Gauloises like I was the fucking shit, man. And I would be. I would be the fucking shit...

Latest Entry

Rehab Letters-Feb 1, 3, 5, 11

February 24, 2021
Further letters sent to Alex while he was in rehab...Not wanting to clog the front page here with the dust of my failed relationship, I am combining letters from February 1, February 3, February 5, Feb 11.    Beloved Alex,                               …
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Recent Entries

  • Rehab Letters-Jan 22, 2010
    February 24, 2021
    Please see previous entry for explanation of this one. Jan 22, 2010 This is cause for such misery-never knowing when I’m to talk to you next. I feel tethered to the phone, pigtail cord wrapped around my neck… I wake up and turn the phone on before I turn my alarm clock off…I leave my…
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  • Rehab Letters-Jan 14, 2010
    February 24, 2021
    Still digging in the coalmines of my grief, canary gasping out its final bars... While loading writing onto thumbdrive, I found letters written to Alex while he was in rehab. After reading these letters that were written in late January/February of 2010, no one would believe that by July 2010 it ...
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  • Going to Another Dull Party, Rubbing Stardust Over My Body
    January 25, 2021
    Due to basically living out my days lately in a deep, black hole of depressive anesthesia--I haven't felt much like writing an update. Instead, this is what I humbly offer up...my playlist for the week. 1. Lady HD-Whatever Comes Next (NOCANDO) I realize I posted this at the end of an entry recent...
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  • No Fair Weather Love
    January 19, 2021
    I tend to be an emotional cutter. It’s a bad habit, sticking my finger in the flame to remind myself just how much it hurts. Last night, I read through as many emails between Alex and me, as I could stand to inflict on myself. Because I am the only person left in my own…
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  • Soundtracc Attacc
    January 15, 2021
    If my life was a movie, these are the songs that would play during the following scenes: You're a teen from the wrong side of the tracks raising hell with the kids from “good families”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpUfRsoedqM Getting kidnapped by your friends the night before you leave for co...
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  • Breaking Nails on the Hardwood Floor
    January 11, 2021
    It’s funny... Usually when you wake up on the living room floor with your nails all jaggedly broken off, you would be looking around for the culprit. For me, it’s as simple as remembering back to what I dreamed the previous night. As if I could ever forget... Things had been getting better in the...
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  • It Won’t Always Be This Way
    January 6, 2021
    Every year, I write my daughter a letter on her birthday. I email it (along with any other letters I write to her throughout the year/pictures/songs, etc) to an email account that I will turn over to her when she is 18. She turns 8 on Saturday. This is this year's birthday letter. Dear Bridget,&h...
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  • The Plot & the Soundtrack
    January 1, 2021
    Yesterday, I had to work until 7:30 pm by myself. I was the only one in the building. Because it was quiet, because there was time, something settled into me. I thought about how, for the first time, I was heading into a new year where Alex wouldn’t be heading. Alex and I have been…
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  • Recent Life Told Through Pictures
    December 8, 2020
    These two yutes convinced me to color their hair blue. Cooking on Thanksgiving... What were we cooking? Trump's heart on a silver platter. Oh wait. That couldn't feed a family of 5 Bridget had to do an assignment of what she was thankful for... I'm not crying. You are. Waiting for the bus before ...
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