If I could go anywhere right now, I would go to a movie-fied version of Paris in the 1950’s…all Technicolor pastels…and with all the sparkle of the celluloid that captured it…and I would stride down the street in my heels, walking a poodle & smoking Gauloises like I was the fucking shit, man. And I would be. I would be the fucking shit...

Latest Entry

A Card Catalogue of His Kindness

November 7, 2019
Dear A., Tomorrow, we would have been married for 10 years. I keep a card catalog filled with the occasions of your kindness. Sometimes, when the armor is reinforced with drink & it doesn’t hurt so much, I rifle through it…bending corners, softening edges to pulpiness with my desperate, fooli...
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Recent Entries

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    November 2, 2019
    i. ryoko you weren’t even talking to me by the time i tried to kill myself that year. the first push happens around my birthday, when, for reasons unknown, your boyfriend, colin, dumps you unceremoniously. you come to my birthday party at beth & jen’s, pull your little marionette legs up into...
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  • A Head Adorned with Snakes
    October 19, 2019
    His body is the slab on my vault. His concrete weight sealing me into a dark, still, airless room far away from the glad sun, from the wind on the hill.  My young bones, green as saplings, are forced to bend to accommodate the terrible heft of him on top of me. A fucking cruel paperweight. …
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  • The Reckoning
    October 8, 2019
    “Why don’t you shut your stupid fucking mouth?” When I first hear him say it, I think I misheard him.  My ears fail me these days & all I did was ask Mike to get up and help Rowan get dressed. He couldn’t have responded with what I think he just said to me. But…
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  • Pocket Change
    September 27, 2019
    After they are both done with me, I redress and return to playing on the swingset in the side yard by myself. My mother is inside the farmhouse, baking goodies for my dad to take to work. I am trying to pretend I am ok, that what just happened didn’t actually happen. I am lying…
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  • There is Another World, There is a Better World
    September 18, 2019
    As most of you know, I started an email account for my daughter when she was a toddler. I write frequently to this account-sending her letters and quotes and music and poetry.  When she is older, I will give her the password, so she can have all these letters and memories and experiences in one&h...
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  • Something Almost Like the Cache of a Crow
    September 16, 2019
    Today, I told him about the jewelry box.  I was given the jewelry box as a Christmas present shortly after the sexual abuse began. At the time, I was 5 years old. I was struggling to survive the daily onslaught of hands and then there was this gorgeous gift. It was made of wood, stained…
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  • Crazed with Light
    September 4, 2019
    Hard times, low times.   Days of just falling down elevator shafts and landing at the bottom in broken angles and with heavy thuds. For the past couple weeks, I've been trying to get sober by going cold turkey. Feels like I’m bleeding to death from papercuts. Everything hurts.  The anxiety gets b...
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  • Love Too Much
    August 19, 2019
    Author's Note: This was written Sunday night, but posted today... Last night, nightmares tunneled up out of me from some doorless room within me, some unnamed place, some dirt cellar. Up they came, spiraling out of my throat in a tornado of a scream. In the dreams, I am dropped into a bath of han...
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  • Unread Letters
    August 15, 2019
    Debbie & I went to see Turandot. First time in 2 or 3 years that I’ve made it to one of the Concert Series-I enjoyed so much getting out. I horrify everyone because I say my idea of heaven is being in an elegant theater like the Stanley or the Landmark or Radio City Music…
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