1/31/23

12:04a.m. Aides just put me to bed but I can’t sleep. I slept most of the day anyways. I started reading Chapter 7 in my book. It is about foreign relations during the Gilded Age. I’m about halfway through it.

I feel pretty good right now. Depressive mood has passed . I am not in too much physical pain. I haven’t thought of Chocolatechip since the last time I chatted with her which was after supper. Via,she wants me to limit the phone calls to one a day. But that rule does not apply to Messenger.

I guess that is a good rule for now. It seems we do not have much to talk about these days.She will ask me about my life but there isn’t much going on to talk about. All I do is sleep most of the day. She does not want to talk about her problems in the building too much.So I guess one phone call a day is good enough. It is better than not talking at all.

Like I said all I wanted to do was sleep. Now I can’t sleep. I’ll probably be up half the night reading my book. Oh well, there is nothing else I can do in this place but sleep, eat and read.

This is the last day of the month. I’m looking forward to the first. I will be getting my SSI check on Feb 1. I’m going to do something different though. I’m going to save it until I get the SS check on the 3rd. Then I will pay my rent of $583 then buy books. There is no such thing as having too many books.

Well it is back to my book.

1:29a.m.i read two chapters in my book today. I’m still wide awake . I’ll no doubt sleep all day I always sad something of a night owl. I used to love to stay up and listen to all night talk shows on the radio. Then I would sleep during the day. My favorite shift was midnight.

7:02a.m. I did get some sleep. I had ta dream where I was a tv repair man. The cable was out but I thought there was something wrong with the television. I kept playing with the dials and all I could get was snow.

Then the aides woke me up at 4:30. After they got me in my wheelchair I fell asleep and slept for a couple hours. I was awakened when they served breakfast drinks. I had two coffees and a glass of oj. I hope I get breakfast soon because I’m a hungry man.

I feel pretty good this morning. They must of put something in my coffee. For one thing I’m not depressed. For another thing I’m not experiencing any arthritis pain. No pain day always makes me feel good. I hope I can stay up today and read. Reading also makes me happy.

8:07a.m. I had my breakfast . It was ok. But my mood is suddenly going down the tubes. I started to think about Chocolatechip. I wanted to call her but I remember her telling me one call a day. I am trying to abide by the New rules but it is so hard. I miss her so much. She was the only person I had to talk with. Anyways I started thinking about this and quickly got very sad.

This is crazy. I’m wasting my time when I could be enjoying a good book. I will never get back the times I cried over this breakup. She seems to be going on her Merry way. She contacts me when she wants to complain about shit. I need to grow a pair and do the same. But it is so damned hard, if not impossible, to turn off feelings after sixteen years.

I wish I could be fairly content with life. I still have it fairly good here. At least I don’t have to deal with bed bugs like in Overbrook Towers. But I feel so miserable. For one thing I’m very,very lonely. I just wish I had a female friend to talk with. She has Don, that guy from Steubenville. Why can’t I have a friend? I keep thinking there must be something seriously wrong with me. No matter where I go i can’t seem to make friends.

I have been a loner and outsider all my life. I couldn make friends in high school. I couldn’t make friends with my in laws when I was married. I lived at OT for over twenty some years and only made one friend, Chocolatechip. This is not normal. There has to be something seriously wrong with me.

It is too late for me. I’ll be 72 this year. All I want now is to live out the remainder of my life in the nursing home. Here. I hope to find true happiness by sitting on my lazy butt and escape into the world of books. After all books have always been my one true friend.

10:27a.m. I can’t wait until tomorrow when I get my SSI chec, all $120 I’m going to blow it all on books. So I’ve been browsing on Amazon and just finalized my book list Here it is :

Fredrick Douglass: Prophet of Freedom by David W Blight $27.98
Indivisible:Daniel Webster and the Birth of American Nationalism by Joel Richard Paul. $27.98
The Virginia Dynasty: Four Presidents and the Creation of the American Nation. by Lynne Cheney $25.98
James Madison: A Life Reconsidered by Lynne Cheney. $25.48

These darned audiobook are expensive. But I will not die rich so what the heck. Also the New York Times is due This is $21.99 I should have enough to squeeze by.