Saturday 8/6/22

5:40am I was up late last night. I didn’t get put to bed until 11:30 last night. I was pretty well tired and went right to sleep. I had some weird dreams again but I vaguely remember. I woke up at one point very upset. I was very depressed. I felt like a major screw up for being so irresponsible this month. I called Chocolatechip and left a message. I wanted to talk with someone but she never returned my calls. She was fast asleep.Other than that I had a good night.

I have come to the conclusion that I have a man jor problem with these e-book I’m ashamed to admit it but I keep buying books I probably will never read. I dont know howkow many ebooks and audible books I bought this month. I think it is close to twenty all together. I will never read them all. I honestly do not understand why I do this to myself. In any case it has become a major problem.

When the nursing home figured out my mistake I will have a second credit card. I will use that to pay the rent.  But I’m afraid I will not be able to buy books. At least I can’t afford to buy so many.  I want to pay off Capitol One. If I don’t buy any books I figure I can do this in seven to eight months. Things might not be so bad after all.

These are the thoughts roaming around in my mind this Saturday morning. Aide came in at five and woke me up. She changed my briefs and put a clean gow. On me I needed help standing up but I stood up and got in my wheelchair.Thisvwas around 5:30. So I’m above the dirt.

I feel pretty good despite worrying about finances. I got got a good night’s sleep so I do not feel like a zombie. Arthritis pain is minimal. Right now I would give it a two on a one to five scale. I had a major crying spell with Chocolatechip but am ok now. I feel I don’t feel the finances are in sech an irrevocable position, yet. But I do need to cut back on books. I cain do this I can do this s I can do this! I predict I will have Capital One paid off in  fifteen months.

11:22am I called Chocolatechip and told her about my plans. We both agree I need to stop buying books. I said it requires discipline. It is e easier and said than done. What is in my favor is I already have books to keep me occupied. I have seven more very thick book in the Oxford History of the United States series. I also have those books by Akhil Reed Amar Then I have  more books I bought yesterday by Gordon S Wood. I also have some audio books. Plus, I’m going to keep the New York Times. I will have enough reading material.

Then I am having another problem. I bought a few audio books s yesterday. The problem is they are not downloading. I keep getting a message that says I don’t have enough space and I need remove unnecessary files. I do not know how to do this on my tablet. I e been trying all morning to clear up space but no luck. I am starting to feel very frustrated foolish. After all, they say a fool and his money are soon parted.

I just feel very down this morning. I’m beating myself up over overcharging my card. I made a mist ake. Everybody makes a mistake now and then. That doesn’t mean you are incompetent. But that’s    he nursing home is going to say so they will get control of my check. Thinking like this is causing a major meltdown.. I feel like a complete screw up.

These thoughts have been racing around in my  mind all morning. Then I  humiliated myself by having a bm. I got great care though. Aide came right away after I rang the call light. She cleaned me up and made me feel somewhat better.

I just got my coffee for lunch. Perhaps a good cup of coffee will lift my spirits.

1:04pm I had a good lunch of roast pork, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans, a dinner roll roll and a fruit cup for desert. I double portions of everything so I’m pretty full. Best part was the two cups of hot coffee and a glass of chocolate milk. Lunch, coffee and Chocolatechip lifted my spirits. I feel a lot better.

I haven’t done any reading yet. I thought  I could finish Empire of Liberty today. It doesn’t look like I will be a le to do it. I have been too upset and preoccupied to concentrate. I’m having that problem downloading audible books and that will keep my mind occupied.  I’m sort of obsessing over those books. I will get to it.b for I want to finish bt this weekend.

But I think depression is blocking my progress. I feel so friggin down today. Mainly because I have an ebook addiction problem. Before ebooks I used to hate credit cards. I always said they were legalized loan sharks. I used to use debit cards to buy thiong sconline.bi don’t know what made me switch to credit cards. All I know is I’m almost $3k in debt. I can’t believe I can be so stiff.

I ended up kicking myself in the butt all afternoon. Also I was trying to figure out how to clear up space on my tablet. I couldn’t do it and that made me feel even worse. So I ended up feeling pretty depressed To add insult to injury in an effort to clear up space I deleted my Nook app. I think I was morning the loss of all those books.bAftetcall books are I guess I was ruminating about a lot of thing and I was getting very, very depressed.

Today was a bad day emotionally speaking. Other than that it was ok. I had good meals and good care. Aides were professional and friendly. Hey I felt like shit most of the day. I hope this feeling passed soon because it is no fun being being this down.

5:17pm I was finally able to download that audible book. I did not have enough space on my tablet. I deleted some files and that seemed to do the trick. It took me all but I accomplished something. I feel a bit better. Also, I got an email from Credit One. My new credit card has been shipped. If worse cones to worse I will use this card for rent. At least I will be able to pay the rent. These developments greatly lifted my spirits.

I also got my supper drinks early. Two cups of black coffee and a fruit punch worked wonders on my mood. Then I got a nice shave.i feel like a new man. I can’t wait for supper

 6:39pm I had two hamburgers and French Fries for supper with a cherry cake for dessert. It was good and I ate it all. Supper was the high point of my day other than Chocolatechip. I feal a lot better. I always feel better after I have something good to eat Despite being a shitty day I have three things to be grateful,: Chocolatechip, good care givers and good food. They all saw me through a very rough time.

Tomorrow is going to be better I made up my mind not to worry about the rent situation. Like I keep saying if worse comes to worse I will have funds to pay a second time. Worrying will not solve the problem anyways. It will only make me sick. Besides I wasted a whole day worrying about finances. This is time that I will never get back.

I am hoping I can concentrate on that book Empire of Liberty by Gordon S Wood now that my head  is cleared. I might not be able to finish the last two chapters tonight but I plan on finishing most of chapter 18. This is the chapter on the War of 1812. I can finish this sucker Sunday