Sunday 10/17/21

7:23am I’m awake, dressed and sitting inning my wheelchair. I had a good night and feel fairly well this morning. I just had a breakfast of bacon, French toast, two cups of coffee and a chocolate milk. It looks like Sunday is starting out to be a good day.

My mood is stable. Arthritis pain is minimal. I  didn’t have tooo many incontinence episodes last night. At one point I even used the urinal. I only had one after I got dressed. I’m doing good this morning.

I slept ok last night. I woke up from a dream I don’t remember . I was able to fall back to bed. But I still feel so tired this morning. I was up by six but slept in my wheelchair until the aids served coffee.  Coffee was warm and didn’t have much of a kick.  I still would like to go back to bed.

So much for the morning brief.  I’m alive and kicking. I was fed and soon I’ll have my meds. Life is good

1:05pm  Incontinence was bad todayThey have the urinal on the other side of the bed where I can’t reach it. Consequently I was soaked when an aid came in to change me. Also, I was very constipated but finially made it to the bathroom.

I haven’t done any reading yet. I could not concentrate because of the physical problems. I was also very sleepy. I think I slept through most of the morning. While awake I felt and probably smelled like some monster from a horror movie.

I talked with Chocolatechip on the phone. She was in a good mood. Somebody knocked on her door early in the morning. She could hear them laugh as they walked down the hall. Chocolatechip stayed in bed and laughed as well. Then we started cussing out the tenants of OT. They are all a bunch of low life scum bags.

I had a good lunch. I had pork chop & gravy, baked potato with sour cream, peas and a biscuit. I had pumpkin pie for desert. Of course I had two cups of barely warm coffee and a glass of chocolate milk. I ate everything, even the pees. I cannot complain about the food they serve.

I had another episode while eating lunch. I lost track of the number of times. I’m not too depressed about because it is a physical problem and not my fault. I have zero control over my bladder I also reached the point where I don’t care too much when the aids tell me to use the urinal. I know I do not do this on purpose.

I’m in a good mood right now. I had good care today and was well fed. I got my meds. I didn’t get yelled at for peeing myself. I’m awake and alert with no pain. Life is good

6:14 pm I was doing good this afternoon until I got very depressed. Depression is a tricky illness. I could be going along feeling on top of the world. Then, for no apparent reason, everything turns doom and gloom.  This happened to me today. Everything was fine,then I felt like it was the end of the world.

I was getting muscle spasms in my knee. I’d experience a very sharp pain that hurt like hell. It would last for a  few minutes then subside. The spasms were extremely painful when they lasted. On top of that I was experiencing incontinence episodes like crazy I could not stop peeing. I could not reach the urinal in time and got soaked again. My physical problems contributed to the depression.

But there was something more to it than physical illness.  It involved a phone conversation with Chocolatechip. She was telling me she might go to Wal Mart tomorrow. “Kevin”, who is a cop and has a car, wants to take her shopping. He likes her cabbage rolls and she planned on buying the ingredients to make it for him. I got more than a tad jealous thinking she is going out with another man even if its only grocery shopping.

Chocolatechip says they are just friends. I believe her but that is not the point. Here I am stuck in a damned nursing home. I have nobody to talk with. I have no other contacts on the outside world.   But she can have guy friends who have cars and can take her places. Thinking about this made me jealous as hell

I do not like this about myself. After all I’m stuck in the nursing home in another town. She is in OT. I’m not much good to her in my present circumstances. I think I can’t expect her to be by herself 24/7. I’m glad she has friends. But I still get a bit jealous.

Thinking about her going out with another guy dominated my thoughts. He has a car and a good job. I don’t have that to offer. The whole thing made me depressed because I got to thinking I’m losing the best girlfriend I ever had.

Supper cheered me up a bit. I had three cheese pizza, tossed salad, hot coffee and a chocolate milk I love pizza and this is my favorite meal besides stuffed cabbage.

I haven’t read today. I’m going to try and read chapter 29 tonight. Tomorrow will be a better day.