Tuesday 6/14/22

6:55am I must of slept last night because I had weird dreams. I was dreaming about my mother and Chocolatechip. I was still a kid living at home and dating Chocolatechip. We wanted to get married. But my parents wanted me to stay in college. Chocolatechip was visiting my house. Somehow the three of us Chocolatechip, my mother and myself were in the car. My mother was taking us to see Chocolatechip said’s dead granddaughter’s grave. Only thing there was no granddaughter

My mother drove down this street it was a dead end. She began reading someting about the supposedly dead granddaughter. It was on a tombstone that existed in my mother’s imagination. She asked us if we could seeg it. We couldn’t see anything . The three of us got into a big fight. On the way back home Chocolatechip and I were sitting in the back seat. I said to her I can’t expect you to live with my parents when I want to get out myself.

I had other dreams but this stands out in my mnd. I didn’t have a very good night because of dreams and arthritis pain. But I did get some sleep but it was intermittent sleep. Oh well, aides let me sleep in until just before breakfast. I had eggs with cheese, toast, chocolate milk and oj? It was good and I ate it all.

I was talking to Chocolatechip after breakfast. She was a tad it upset. Some asshole knocked on her door several times last night. She recognized one knock. It belonged to this Ed guy? One time he walked away and he called her a bitch. She was the only person in the bldg who befriended him. She cooked for him a couple of times. She spent the biggest part of Saturday morning making him tuna salad. She is done with him.

We talked about the people in that hellhole. I said they are a bunch of cowardly assholes. She said she is up all day and nobody knocks on her door. She goes to bed at seven then people start bothering her. We both agree this is harassment because se they are gone by the time they get tog the door. Anyways from now on Chocolatechip is staying in her apartment.

Well I am above the dirt I had a good breakfast. I had good care this morning. I am not in too much pain. I’m doing good. I wish there was something be I can do to help Chocolatechip.

11:12am I’m having a good morning. But I can hardly stay awake. I would love to read The NYT but I fall asleep. They have this one article I’m interested in. It is about the House Committee hearing on the Jan 6 attack on the Capital This is one story I’ve been following with interest. But I’m just too darned tired toget into it now. I hope I’m awake this afternoon so I can read the paper

So this has been a wasted morning. I’ve been sitting in my wheelchair waiting for lunch.ivalso been browsing for books. I found a couple books I’d like to read again by Rick Atkinson . They are part of his WWII trilogy on the Western Europe front. I found them for free thanks to my Kindle Unlimited Subscription. I’ve been on Amazon for two month and found so many good books to read. But I feel too darn tired to get into them.

Chocolatechip just called. She went to the Salvation Army thrift store down the street. She bought a some clothes. She was saying that this one man who gave her a hard time is being supper nice even. But she is keeping her guard up. I said I wouldn’t trust him. I wouldn’t trust anyone in that placee  Chocolatechip harvest to go iher can was coming.

I wish I could fix some coffee. I sure could use a cup. I will have to wait until lunch time. Not being able to eat when I want is one thing I miss. I miss a lot of things such as hiking on the Trail. Hell, I miss not walking. Littler things I took for granted it what I miss the most. Oh well, I should be grateful I’m have a safe and clean place to live.

7:10pm I had Shepherds pie and stewed tomatoes for supper. The coffee wasn’t too  hot but I drank it anyways.  I ate the Shepard’s pie but cannot stand stewed tomatoes. At least I had something to eat and am not going hungry.  I wasn’t too hungry because I had a good lunch. I had roast turkey, noodles, and brussel sprouts. The coffee with lunch was hot.

I finally perked up after lunch. I read a lot of interesting articles in the NYT. I felt better and sort of got lost reading the news. I had a nasty aide today. She wasn’t Mean Bitch but her partner. She sort of yelled at me when she changed me this afternoon. I had very wet briefs. But I didn’t let that ruin my day. Like I said I got lost reading the paper.

I got a nice card from Chocolatechip with five dollars in it. They sell snacks at the nurse’s station. First thing I’m going to do tomorrow is but a Snickers and a Kit Kat bar along with a can of Sprite. I haven’t had a Sprite or a candy bar in over two years. I’m going to savor every drop and morsel.

In sixteen days I will have a birthday. I will be 71 years old. It’s hard to believe I lived this long. Something tells me though I do not have much longer to go. Arthritis is really bad at nights and sometimes during the day. When pain level is up I feel like 91 and I wonder how much longer I can take. Then depression hits me. I start to think I’m not getting much out of life. Hell, all I do is sit in this damned wheelchair all day.  If I go now I think I will be ok with it because the thought of living like this the rest of my life terrifies me.

But I’m equally afraid of my ultimate fate. This fear of what lies after death is one thing that keeps me going. I’m afraid of going to hell for my son’s. In my heart I’ve asked and prayed for forgiveness. I truly repented and am truly sorry for my failings as a man and father. But I wonder if that is sufficient. Doesn’t one have to att sawone for past sins? This I have fIled to do.

I try not to think about this stuff because it only makes me depressed. This is why I get lost in the New York Times and my books.

9:06pm I was on Facebook for a few minutes I saw a picture of Chocolatechip. Seeing her picture triggered a lot of h happy memories. All the fun things we did flashed through my mind. I got sort of happy and sad a t the same time. I got sad because I wondered if I will ever see her again Thinking like this made me almost tear up. I  felt so old, so depressed and so alone.

I hate ending the day being depressed. I had a good one for the most part. I enjoyed reading the paper. Talking to Chocolatechip also made me feel good. I love that woman. I swear she is the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole stupid life. I swear, I couldn’t go on without her.

I’m kind of read out right now. I’ve been enjoying the Times for the last five six hours. I read most of the front page section. They had allot of good articles ranging from the House hearings on Jan 6 to an article on how climate change can cause temperature to rise and how scientific are trying to learn more ways on how we can adapt. This was the last article I read and thought it very interesting.

Oh I got an email from B&N. I tried to delete my account a few weeks ago. This email said they are unable to process my request. They gave a list of bull shit reasons. This is yet one more reason why I’m fed up with that company. I will never deal with them again and I want nothing to frog with their books.’

Well I am ready for bed. I been in this darned wheelchair  all day. My butt is sore from sitting on it. I’m not tired .I’ve been tired all day almost. Now, when it is near bedtime. I feel wide awake I always did have my days and nights mixed up.