Tuesday 9/20/22

7:39am I had a great evening last night. I finished one chapter in Battle Cry of Freedom. I got to bed around 11;30. I thought I was going to have a good night’s sleep but things went wrong.  I ended up having a hell of a night.

I had terrible pain in both knees plus my foot was bothering me. Then I had a nightmare about my mother. I could see her face as clear as day. We were having an argument. My dream mother was a real smart ass with a vicious tongue. But she was crying because she had no friends. I was saying if you don’t have any friends itt is your own fault. 

I had other dreams as well. I do not remember too much of these nightmares. At one point i woke up screaming.i couldn’t get back to sleep because pain was too bad. I was awake when the aide came in to get me out of bed at 5:00.

About all I could say for myself then was I am above the dirt. I felt like road kill. I didn’t stay awake too long. I dozed on and off in my wheelchair. I was in a half awake mode until breakfast. I finally got two cups scof coffee and an oj. Coffee perked me up and  I felt even better after breakfast.

I had pancakes, scrambled eggs and hot cereal.itwas ok and I ate it all. Breakfast rejuvenated me . At least I feel alive and functioning.

I called Chocolatechip after breakfast. She was upset about the waver program. She got a letter stating she met the financial qualifications The second part is her health. They will do an evaluation on Oct 18 she was upset because she had to turn in a form or paper to DHHR. I said take it down in person you don’t want to screw this up. She will take it down sometime today.

Chocolatechip was kind of upset. She talked about this person named Catherine. At this point I had a hard time following her. I think Chocolatechip said Catherine never sent the form to her because she never got it. Chocolatechip  said she can’t get the help she needs because she can’t reach a life voice. Then they never return your calls. 

I said they make it hard on purpose hoping you will give up.  We talked a lot about how hard everything seems to be. I guess it is that way when you get o!d.  Well we ended our conversation because she had to take a shower. 

That’s how my morning went so far. I’m going to do my best to stay awake and read my book.i have two more chapters and then I’m done.

11:02am I had physical therapy. I did the usual leg exercises. This consisted of three sets of fifteen for kicking,marching. Side to sid and foot exercises I did ten push ups. Then I went to the exercise bike and moved my arms for fifteen minutes. The entire work out session lasted a half hour.

9:49pm I had a good and bad day at the same time. Good part was they the food. For like unch I had chicken enchiladas, rice, corn, banana pudding for desert and a dinner roll. For supper I had a two sloppy joes, potato wedges and an apple cake. Coffee with both meals was hot. I also had from uit punch.

Second, I did a lot of reading. I finished reading  Battle Cry of Freedom by James M McPherson.  I would give this book a five star rating. The author covered the Civil War Era thoroughly. I thought it was very well written. I really got cought up with the history of the period thinking I was thinking there with the action. I highly recommend this account of the Civil War.

I’m at a lost as to what to read next. I’m torn between Stephen King’s Fairy Tale and another history book. I’d like to continue with the Oxford History of the United States. The next volume in the series The Republic for Which it Stands: The United States During Reconstruction and the Gilded Age 1865-1896  part of me needs a break from history. But another wants to continue on with this series.

So far I’ve read four books in the Oxford History History of the United States. In my humble opinion these are the best books on American history I ever read. All of the authors are excellent writers and experts in there field. Several books have won awards and have been well received by critics. I love these books.

So I should be happy and in a good mood because I reached an important personnel goal. But I not happy at all. I’m very depressed. Depression hit me big time this afternoon. I almost wanted to throw in the towel. It got worse because I didn’t talk with Chocolatechip after supper. 

In fact she is the reason I got depressed Chocolatechip is going through a rough time. It seems that nothing is going right for her. I listen to her problems all the time. I try to offer suggestions and give support. But sometimes nothing I say seems to help. When this happens I feel I failed. I think I failed her today.

I don’t know. It is hard to explain. She did not bring me down. I brought myself to down. I love Chocolatechip with my heart and soul. I care very much for her. I feel bad that she has so much shit to deal with. I feel bad and get depressed becauze I want to make everything right. But I cannot do this and it makes me feel like hell.

Well. tomorrow will be a better day for both of us.

11:11pm There is one other thing that has me depressed and worried. The other day they were taking chest X Rays. They found something. Nurse gave me a paper today . it said ” R paratrachael density suspicious of adenopathy or mass.” 

I have no idea what this means. All I know is they are doing a Cat Scan Tuesday Sep 27 at WMC. I hope this is nothing serious like cancer. I got too many books to read read before I go of anything.  I’m trying not to 💬 think about it but it been on my mind. Best thing to do is not to worry. This is easier said than done.


















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