Tuesday afternoon 1/31/23 Chocolatechip

3:00p.m It looks like I definitely will not be talking to Chocolatechip anymore. We just had our last chat a bit ago. She came clean about this secret crush. He does not know that she still wad chatting with me. She said this new guy might be her last chance for happiness. But he never mentioned marriage to her except jokingly. Then she stated the reasons for choosing him over me. She said that if we continue to stay together and I die in the next several years she will be alone Chocolatechip is 62 in I’ll health and is not getting younger herself. This new relationship might be her last chance.

Chocolatechip said she felt funny talking to two guys. She asked me her opinion. I told her she should be truthful that honesty is the best policy. She said he would not like her talking to two guys. She also said men don’t want you if you show the slightest interest in someone else. But she also said that at this point she does not know if she is being played.

I said I understand why you might want to move on. After all I am in this nursing home. I can’t walk anymore. I can’t even make it to the bathroom by myself. I do not have much to offer her or anyone else at this point in time. I also said I wish her nothing but happiness. If she ever needs a friend I will always be here.

She asked me if I met anyone else. I said no. She asked if I talked with anyone in the nursing home or online. I said no. I said I had a very horrible experience meeting someone online. I am very reluctant to go through that shit again. Besides, I said,meeting someone is the last thing I am thinking about. I said I’m worried about dying here and that I might not have too much time left.

We talked about my untimely death for awhile. She said you never know when it is your time. I said I can feel it a lot lately. For one thing I’m very weak and sleep all the time. For another I have terrible arthritis pain almost constantly Then I have COPD and severe incontinence. I can’t make it to the bathroom by myself.  I have all the physical ailments plus psych problems. I ended this subject buy saying meeting someone here is the last thing on my mind.

But I am not alone. I have my books for companionship. A man is never alone in a well stocked library.Books have been my friends all my life. They have helped me through some very rough times. They will not desert me in my old age!

I think I’m handling this situation like a mature man. I’m not screaming or pulling out my hair. I’m definitely not going to do anything stupid like hurt myself I wish her no I’ll will and we parted on good terms. After all you can’t make anyone be in a relationship if they do not want to be in one.

As for me I will be fine. I will choose to have rational thoughts about the final breakup. My thinking now is it is best for me to remain calm and think this is for the best.  Remember, the ABC’s Of human emotions. Remember The Five Rational Questions. I choose to think rational thoughts. I choose to have positive feelings. I will get over this. I will survive. I will thrive! 

One last thing. Do you know what I’m going to do tonight? I’m spending time with my one true love-books. I’m not going to brood over this broken relationship. I’m going to have a very pleasant, drama free evening by reading two more chapters in my   book From Colony to Super Power: U.S. Foreign Relations Since 1776 by George C Herring. 

9:17p.m. I read for two hours. I finished Chapter 8 in my book. The next chapter is a bit long so I’ll save it for tomorrow. I been up since 4:30a.m. and would like to get to bed early. I feel a lot better after reading my book though. I thought I still did a lot of reading despite not sleeping and the bad news about my ex.

At least I didn’t brew about it. I did uninstall Facebook and Messenger. I was sort of mad when I did that. I reasoned I didn’t get much out of either except for chatting with Chocolatechip. I was so mad this was my way of making a clean break. Then I reinstalled the two programs. After all the last thing I said to her was I’m always here if you need to chat. 

I really do take a great deal of comfort in books. Reading was a big help tonight. I was able to forget about my problems and hurt. The more I read the better I felt. I’d like to read more but I hate to quit in the middle of a chapter. Besides this has been a tumultuous day and I’m getting very tired.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. I will get my SSI check. Then I will buy only three books. I need to save. Oney for the NYT and aAudible.com. I can buy yet more books when I get my S$ check on the third. Buying books will produce a happy but that will also help me forget.

Remember, life is good I am very grateful for a lot of things which are:

1. I live in a clean and safe environment
2. My mind is fairly intact.
3. I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of the nursing home.
4. I get three good meals a day.
5. I am getting better care now.
6. I have free phone, internet and cable.
7. I have SSI and SS check
8. I have plenty of books to read
9. I have wonderful memories of my ex girlfriend

I still have it good. Like I keep telling myself this breakup will not kill me. I will survive. I will thrive!