Wednesday 2/1/23

4:52a.m. I had a nice aide last night who put me to bed at 11:30. I slept until fairly well. I did have some pain in my left foot. But it was mild and didn’t keep me from sleeping. I had no weird dreams. They got me dressed in a clean hospital gownand in my wheelchair spasms by 4:45.

Mood is fairly stable. I had a bit of a meltdown before going to bed but it passed. I had some thoughts when I first got in bed? I said she is not worth it. These  thoughts of hurting myself quickly passed. She is not worth it. 

Actually. I feel pretty good this morning. I’m not too sleepy so I think I can stay up for a change. This is the start of a new month.For some reason I always feel better on the first of the month. I think it is a chance  to start over, for renewal if you will. Then it is always  nice to get that SSI check and have a little bit of money. 

Yes, I’m looking forward to getting my check and buying those books. It’s always nice to add more books to my library. I have over a hundred ebooks from Amazon now. But there is no such thing as too many books I’m only buying three today plus the monthly subscription to the NYT . But that is three books that will make me happy.

So the day is starting out good. I am not going to sleep all day. I  am not going to waste time brooding  over the breakup. I am going to enjoy myself by reading the NYT and my book. Life is good!

 6;41a.m. I’m just sitting in my wheelchair waiting  for my breakfast drinks. I was starting to get depressed so I asked the nurse if I could have an early coffee? She gracious poored me a cup. I feel a bit better now. 

I guess I got to keep a close watch on my moods. I was having a downward slide a bit ago. I got to fight this the best way I know how by keeping tabs on my thoughts. I need to be thinking positive, rational thoughts because do not want to wallow in depression. Remember, The watchword is Thrive! I will survive. I will thrive.

The extra coffee helped. I could use a couple more cups to jump start my day. They will be serving coffee soon. Hopefully I can get another caffeine fix. Then breakfast which will probably be scrambled eggs, toast and oatmeal cereal Breakfast will also cheer me up  

Sometimes I think I’m not going to get through this. I tell myself don’t let this set back keep you down. I tell myself I’ve been dumped before and survived. I will get through the latest reject. I tell myself I got to stay strong and be positive. I do ok with this then my mood starts to plummet. I’m really struggling to keep up my spirits.

I hope they serve breakfast soon. More coffee and food will put me in a better mood. There is nothing like good food and a good book to lift one’s spirit. See, I’m pretty lucky. I get three meals a day. Sometimes the mealy here leave a lot to be desired. I do get a bit tired of powdered eggs and toast almost every day. But it is better than going hungry and I’m very happy to have a meal.

That is the ticket. Keep in positive! I’m working my way out of a depressive state. Just thinking about coffee and breakfast works wonders. I will get over this. I am strong! I am indomitable. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring me down for too long!

 12:11p.m. I  experienced a rapid mood change. I quicky got depressed. Kept thinking about her and our lastchat. We said our final goodbyes. I can’t believe that it is over after all this time. Thinking about this made me depressed. I also suddenly felt tiredj and sleepy.I ended up sleeping most of the morning. 

I did manage to make the credit card payment.  I paid Capital One $118. But I wasn’t able to buy books. I forgot it takes them 24 hrs to process the payment. I was looking forward to spending money onh books today. Hopefully the funds will be available tomorrow. 

Just had a delicious lunch I had meatloaf, mashedh potatoes with gravy and green beans. Then I had a dinner roll and a fruit cup for desert. For drinks I had a cup of coffee and a g?ass of fruit punch. I hope the meal will perk me up goog.

I hope I can snap out of this shitty mood. I hate being such a downer. Like I said I’m struggling, going back and forth very quickly. It’s like one minute I feel strong zand capable while the next I feel a complete mess. I guess it is always lurking in my mind and it doesn’t take much to bring it to the surface.

I wonder if I’ll every get over her. After all she was the love of mylife. I’m trying very, very hard to turn off feelings for her. This relationship is definitely over. But I just cannot change how I feel about her . I’m trying but it is impossible.

Keep  up the good fight. Remember, things are not so bad: 

1. I have a roof over my head and live in a clean, safe environment.
2. I have a SSI check and Social Security check every y month.
3. I have good health insurance
4. I have three good meals a day
5. I have phone and Internet connection
6. I have plenty of books to read
7. Mind is fairly intact
8. I don’t have to pay for meds
9. I have wonderful memories of my ex girlfriend.

Things are not so bad.

2:51p.m. I’m not getting good care today. I’ve been sitting in urine and feces since lunch. I rang the call light a few times. Each time an aide came by and said I’ll be a minute. Then I never see her again. This is bullshit.

3:48a.m. I finially got changed only to pee myself again after she left. I can’t win. At least I’m not sitting in feces. Also mood has improved somewhat after the aide changed my briefs. I feel much better.

I was up for most of the afternoon. But I didn’t read. I tried but couldn’t concentrate. I spent most of my time on FB. I saw a picture of a girl similar to a one who works here . I sort of liked het a little bit so I sent her a friend’s request. Now that I’m free and single I can chat with women on FB. I shall see what develops.

I missed reading this afternoon. I just couldn’t get into it today. There was just too much shit on my mind. Representative from Capital one said I was overdrawn by $54. Ionteaf of $118 available for purchases tomorrow I will have only $64 left. I never used that day!Ned Credit card. I’m thinking someone hacked into my account. 

I got to thinking about  I’m going to pay the rent. If I put all my SS check on my card will it get stole.? I absolutely do not know how to deal with this. I decided not to use the card until the rent is paid. Hopefully. I’ll have enough to cover my rent.

I finially got a good aide. She changed me again without a problem. I’m high and dry and feeling much better. 

6:19a.m. I fell asleep for a couple hours woke up in time for supper. I had two BBQ pork sandwiches, french fries and a cookie for desert. I hope the drinks I had will keep me up tonight so I can read

I’m in a much better mental state.  I think sleeping does me a lot of good At least I escape from brooding over my  ex gf. I  wake up from these naps feeling refreshed and renewed. Perhaps it is a good thing I sleep most of the day

I never thought I would say this but my attitude towards my sx had changed. In our last chat she stated that she felt she had to break off with me because she felt funny talking to two guy. I strongly suspect this is a lie. I still read her diary. She still talks to her Steubenville friend, Don Ido not think this Don character is her secret crussh I think she is not truthful. 

I’m starting to sound like a crazy ex bf. It really is none of my business anyway. Speculating onthisj issue will make me crazy. I guess I better just drop it. I have enough to worry about besides this shit. Also I don’t need to be dwelling on it because it only makes me depressed.

I want to read my book tonight From Colony to Super Power: United States Foreign Relations since 1776 by George C Herring. I thought enough  about the breakup today.

7:37p.m. I don’t think I’m going to read tonight. I can’t concentrate because she I keep thinking about the f n breakup. I really tried to stay positive today. But I can’t get past the pain, hurt a d emotional roller coaster ride. It is crazy. It is driving me stark raving mad.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.  It will probably be more of the same though. I’m quickly forgetting the meaning of the word “hope. I see note hing but it dispair and misery in my future.  I will never walk again. I’ll never get out of this place alive. I’ll never have another girlfriend. I don’t think I’m being irrational here. These are facts.

I guess I’m very depressed right no

 

 

 

 

 

 Eakup.