People don’t change.

Life changes. But. People. Don’t.

I can say this because I am one of those people. Life looks different now, but inside I am still the exact same person. Like an addict who lives their whole life looking sober, but they go to sleep at night dying for just one more.

It doesn’t go away. It maybe fades at times. But it’s still there. You can’t just erase the parts of you that are fucked up.

Does everyone feel this way? Are we all living everyday just trying to bury who we really are til we crawl in bed each night – or are there people out there that are genuinely good people, who don’t have this constant internal struggle? Who go to bed happy?

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August 6, 2019

My general belief is that most of the time people don’t change. I’m talking about adults. I think the only time someone truly changes is when they experience some huge event that shakes them very deeply.

Everyone has their struggles. I think there are people who aren’t as happy as they want people to believe. I think there are plenty of people who are genuinely happy, but everyone has their own battles. Some are worse than others. I only experience brief moments of happiness, usually when I’m in a hypomanic phase. So I rarely experience it and I’m jealous those who do. I’m sad and depressed most of the time.

August 6, 2019

@heffay I’ve had every reason to change – my entire world has changed, I have no reason to want or need to be the person I used to be…but somehow, it still doesn’t *fix* me, it’s like I’m trapped. I just imagine everyone that tries to change must feel similar. Like you can only change so much about your life but you’ll never be happy because you’re still the same person hiding underneath it all. Faking it. Because you have to.

but perhaps I’m just too pessimistic

if there are people out there who have successfully cut out  the fucked up parts of themselves, I’d like to know their secret.

August 6, 2019

@beautifulbutbroken I totally get it. I feel the same way as you. I’ve tried so many ways to try to be better. Nothing changes. I just want to feel normal and feel happy and like I belong. Never happens. So I get it.

I get jealous of friends who get to experience stuff that feels impossible to me.

I dunno. I’ve got nothing. I’ve been struggling with the same stuff. I’ve been extremely frustrated lately.

I could go on but that’s not going to be helpful. I just know that I understand. It fucking sucks.

August 6, 2019

I think it is very hard for us to change the actual, internal people that we are – but it is possible. I do know people who have gone through this sort of change, but it is usually because their lives have changed in a very positive way, and they are able to let that positivity influence them, over a long period of time. I don’t think it’s every easy – but I hope you find what you are looking for.