I thought I was fine. I thought I was being safe, just skirting the edges of anorexia, dipping my toes in just enough to fulfill that craving for control.

I passed out this morning. It was 7:30 and I could hear the girls already up, reading in their room (they don’t come out until 8) – I decided to go ahead and get up and start getting ready for the day. I was walking around toward the bathroom and turned to glance over at the clock, 7:37. And then everything got fuzzy, I tried to grab the dresser as I felt my legs give out, and then I was on the floor. It happened so quickly, I felt like I woke up as soon as I hit – my elbow had caught the edge of the bench at the end of our bed and I must have collapsed kind of sideways onto my hip, but managed not to hit my head on the desk behind me at least. I was shaking and tears filled my eyes as I sat up, in complete shock. I looked back at the clock, 7:52. I was unconscious for over 10 minutes. Can you imagine if my children had been there, if they’d witnessed me pass out? And been left alone, for 10 minutes, unable to wake me? How the fuck could I let this happen?

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August 27, 2020

I’m sorry to know the incident in the morning….but I’m glad to know that you are fine to get up. I hope you can find the solution improving your condition for yourself and certainly your children.


August 27, 2020

Wow that is pretty scary

August 28, 2020

That’s so scary! I’ve had ED slips the last 6mos as well. Remembering treatment: eating disorders are a false sense of control 💛 I find pulling out my old meal plan really helps me regain control over my body and the impulses, if that helps.

August 28, 2020

@invisible-crayon  I meal plan every week – I just, don’t always stick to it. I really thought I was okay, I logged all my food through my Fitbit last week to make sure I was still getting plenty of calories (makes it easy to compare calories in calories calories out too) & I was doing fine so I stopped, and I guess digressed this week without even really realizing it. All we can do is just keep trying I guess! I’ll go back to logging my food since that seemed to help.
Have you found any healthy coping mechanisms that help you feel in control?

August 28, 2020

Back in the day, I used to have this happen and it’s scary af. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this…

I hope you find ways be kind and compassionate with yourself as you get through this. If you wouldn’t think it/say it to your children, it’s prob not the thing to say to yourself….that’s what I try to tell myself. Sometimes it helps me reframe thoughts.

Sending you my best thoughts…