We usually start my therapy appointments with a few minutes of meditation – I’ve never really gotten into it/much out of it but it is at least generally calming…Monday though, while my eyes were closed, and I was focusing on my breathing, a completely empty mind – an image popped up, out of nowhere, just flashed for a mere second. It was a person, and while I couldn’t see the face or any details/features, I innately knew it was a woman; she was sitting on the ground, wearing the stereotypical biblical era garb – long robe, cloth draped over and covering her head, blocking her face as she was on her knees, turned to the side, with one hand steadying herself and her other hand reaching up as if someone was helping her up…except there was no one else there, not that I could see anyway. Again I can’t explain how I know, because the image was static and disappeared completely as fast as it had appeared…but it wasn’t a desperate reach, it was more of an accepting reach? If that makes sense. It really startled me – I’ve never experienced a rogue thought like that. My mind wanders to weird places sometimes but it’s never just popped up with its own random thought/imagery like that.
I told my therapist about it afterward, and how it just really made me feel weird. But we didn’t really talk much about it. Just moved on to talking about parts” and feelings – definitely not my forte, discussing feelings; it was more or less a disaster.
I stopped & went for a run before I went home and continued to mull over the image, because I don’t let things go very easily. I don’t like things I don’t understand. And I could. not. understand where that image came from.
And then it occurred to me, it’s the way I had described myself years ago, within the realm of abuse from The Artist…that he made me feel like the whore being stoned in the Bible – the way he looked down at me as if justified in what he was doing. a violent lust and a smug satisfaction in being better than me, and giving me what I deserved, blamelessly. Tho in my case, of course there was no one there to stop him.
But still. What the hell. Why and what am I supposed to do with that?!