Its been over a week since our very first kiss (June 13th 2019 roughly at 5pm) …to be honest I haven’t even been able to process what happened to me..but I think you can get ready for about 3 pages of writing to explain a 10 second moment…please click the video if you want some music to carry the mood…
but you could do just as well playing Ed Sheeren singing “kiss me”
We promised each other to show restraint, to honor each other, to honor God, to honor our future…I’m separated but still married…she is married but in an empty hole of a marriage…but nonetheless…
We are both hopelessly in love with each other..but still the best we have had is a side hug, a tug on her hair, or my hand on hers and maybe her neck some…but it has been chaste..and pure…and soo sweet….her touch on my arm or cheek, is intoxicating and makes me mad with desire..
Both of us have known God but both of us have run like hell and have been hiding…wounded animals hiding in dark places…and then we got close…a process that has taken years of working together and then in the past few weeks a mad rush…we both long to be close together and also close to God..
Anyways on this day, we sat at our local municipal airport and watched planes take off and land..and we plunged into the deepest and scariest parts of our hearts…she shared things with me that she has never shared with another human..and I did likewise…we drank a little gin out of paper cups with limes and tonic water…we watched the kids playing…I told her that I dreamed of having a little girl with her…that the baby girl would have my eyes but her hair and skin…(and what an amazing mom she would be to that girl! despite her own fears of being a mommy to a girl! ) …it was a sweet and intimate (but pointedly chaste) afternoon..we then left to go get the boys at the YMCA and it was there that we pick up the boys in the park across the street from the main facility…she asked me to come to her side of the car…I got out walked around to her side..now, my car is a full-size luxury sedan and in fact it has seats that can easily accommodate my 6′-5″ frame but when she invited me around to her side of the car…I opened the door and just sort of sat on the door sill with the door open..she pulled me in..we lay on our sides nose to nose..legs almost perfectly straight…it was awkward..so she hopped onto the center console and then straddled my legs..(she managed to do this in a very lady-like way..at least at the time she seemed quite composed and lady-like..) but we were kinda sitting up or the seat was more forward..
“Kiss Me” by Ed Sheeren came on my playlist..we were just nuzzling each others necks, or kissing the neck..smelling each other..hugging, every 10-15 seconds we would stop and pull back and just stare into each others eyes..Her eyes are permanently etched into my memory..when I stare too long gravity starts to waiver my body loses its weight and I start to tilt over..<BLINK…get your shit straight Jeff! >>
It was during one of these particularly long eye sessions that I heard her say..
“Kiss me…” she said it so softly the first time..I wasn’t sure I heard correctly..(Did she really say that? My heart practically hung up for a minute!” )
“Kiss You!?!” ….<this said in a kinda tender teasing way, love, sarcasm, humor but totally sincere> .( I really wasn’t quite sure ..Her mouth and eyes were saying yes! Yes! YES!!, well actually every thing I could see, touch, feel, smell was saying YES! but still, I had to be sure..)
She said it again, this time with more emphasis, “Kiss Me!..” it was a question… it was sooooo a question…it wasn’t a question! It was a demand..it was the ultimate imperative..underlined with an unspoken “You Must….” it was a question that once asked is so forceful that it cannot be ignored and you will answer wrong at your peril…I moved in, and that first moment was sweet..and tender..an angel’s wings couldn’t have been softer than her lips brushing my lips, wave after wave of pure pleasure rolled through me. she wanted me!..she desired me! …it was mutual, I had never wanted something more..her breathing matched mine..it was slow and steady and deep..but determined…it had purpose and merit…It was kissing on expert level..my mouth matched hers..she pulled back I followed, she pushed in I back away..it was waves on a beach..it was rams battering horns, it was breathing in as she breathed out..it was her yang to my yin..
I have never felt more loving nor felt more loved than at that moment…it was sublime, it was supreme..and at that moment when deep, deep, really deep inside of me…something changed, something clicked…it was like pieces of me that had been broken and shattered had snapped back into place…I have experienced a mini version of this during deep tissue massage where something that was completely out of whack gets popped back in. That when you have been carrying the pain for a while and then the pain stops that it is a feeling of pure pleasure and the release of the pain feels so good you start crying….it was like that times 1000!
Deep inside of me the most powerful emotional release of my entire life was building, I could feel it climbing from my stomach..(Oh please no…no…no..Jeff you are kissing the most beautiful woman in the world ….no no no! You are not going to fucking start crying…) it was up to my chest by now.. (Oh dammit…LOCK IT THE FUCK DOWN…KISS HARDER YOU DUMBASS!!) it was in my throat…at this point I had pulled my mouth down to her neck because my entire back was convulsing trying to contain the energy of the emotional release of being loved, of the most hurt part of me, that had been covered so the fuck up with all kinds of shit..( Fucking JEFF!! Grit your damn teeth and push that shit back down) with my jaws clenched and my back practically arched, She was pulled so tight.I was clenching her with my arms to my body…i wanted to press myself into her very body…..and the deepest sound a man can make, this primal “UUHHHNNNNNGGGGGGG” as every muscle in my body strived with desperation to hold this in…but I wasn’t strong enough..How do you hold a tsunami back? Who can stop an earthquake? This primal basic sob….this cry of pure release…this wail…it escaped until my breath was gone in a rush to be replaced by its twin, and another..these are the gut wrenching sobs almost like a panting..I was soo happy….IN AN INSTANT..my life was altered.
Things that were bent, those were straightened.
Things broken, they were mended…
Things soiled, made clean..
Poisoned made pure….
By my second outcry, she joined me with her own cries…it might have only been 10 or 15 seconds of this…but for me it was a lifetime…this woman had penetrated to the very core of who I am..and she asked for the privilege of being there…it didn’t last long because she found my eyes with her lips to capture my tears, and I too sought out her tears…No sweetness have I ever tasted that could compare to her Tears of Love, no gift could I ever receive that could match what she gave me in that moment…I told her as we walked to get the kids out that if I died tonight and if I lived a thousand years alone that this one Kiss would carry me…because she fixed something in me…
A barrier had been smashed, the only comparison that I can think of is that the bible tells us that when Jesus was crucified at the very moment of his last breath the the earth shook and in the Holy Temple of God, the Veil that protected, surrounded, and covered the holy of holies was ripped from top to bottom..the veil was there to protect the people from exposure to God’s glory. My barriers were up to protect me from hurt…She ripped through that barrier, smashed it to pieces with her kiss, her love, her acceptance..she stands inside my holy of holies…a place I had never expected to see anybody…but couldn’t desire it more…
She was the anvil on which my very life was smashed by the hammer of God, but her kiss and tears on that day…they healed me…
I tease her by calling her the “Man-Breaker” …but for me…that is only half the story because she has made me…
I have absolutely no shame for howling like a broken wolf during the first real kiss….because I was there…and for those who haven’t experienced what I have…I am sorry for you and I hope you one day get to experience it! I hope your partner loves all of you…and I hope you love all of your partner!
Best wishes from the sweetest most tender part of the South!
-Beauty for Ashes