Still Falling in Love
I’m still falling in love…trying to figure out where the bottom is…my mind is lost…this woman..what has she done..
I’m sharing the Portuguese version of this video because i love the slightly different word inflections that come with the romance languages..
Or as the Brazilians would say “jajajajajaj!!!”
There is so much I want to talk about concerning her trip this past week…
But suffice it to say that it was devastating for me…it was not the happy relaxing trip she had planned…and that besides being physically far from her, I felt helpless, I so badly wanted to be able to hold her and talk to her, and hear what she was thinking and feeling…
There were definitely moments of great tenderness, she was able to slip some phone calls and more than a few texts messages…
Even now she is supposedly driving home right this minute, I am expecting her to arrive safely but I have heard nothing…not a peep..and knowing all the things she shared with others the whole thing could be breaking loose hard-core right now..and I am sitting here just typing away…
I miss her terribly but out of respect I am just waiting here…
This is by far the hardest I have ever strived to maintain some decorum and decency when every part of my physical body is urging me into “primal” alpha-male, predator, Cave-man…mode…I so badly just want there to be a simple basic show-down, put the cards on the table…
Instead I’ve been climbing that hill to the altar of my heart over and over….those who know me know exactly what is on that altar…
As a side note she sends me selfies which I find entrancing/intoxicating/desirable/maddening..
And well I am of a certain age that doesn’t find selfies particularly fun…(it is weird to post shit for positive likes or whatever…I only need one “like” and His name is Jesus!)
but for this girl I gave it a shot….lol I was trying to flex on her at my office…heh heh…its terrible but I blame my shitty iPhone 6 and lots of cheeto residue
It might also be that if I take my glasses off I can’t see shit on the camera and have no idea what I’m actually seeing..
I love you all! I covet your care and concern!!
-Beauty for Ashes
whoooooooo! breathe in, breathe out.
sounds like things are unfolding… i know it must be incredibly difficult to be patient…but glad to hear you are (mostly. 🙂 ) hang in there & keep the faith…
@thecriticsdarling
CD!
I’m losing my shit!!! the strangest part is that I think she doesn’t really believe that I am all the fuck in with this…or that the real issue is about trust…
trusting me..
trusting God…
and I get both issues…completely…
I have my own trust issues also…on the female side I haven’t exactly come out on the winning end yet..(well I had one almost relationship and she didn’t betray me..)
but honestly..yeah this is the hardest shit I’ve ever done and I feel like a real dumb-ass sometimes…
Then I think of her boys and how much I love them…then I think of her…and I just melt….
When I think of what kind of person could have gotten to this part of me..I can’t even imagine that person and yet here she is…
This is the worst feeling ever for a controlling person like me…I am made and yet un-made…
I hate feeling like this…I’m chosen…no I’m not chosen…I’m almost chosen….
@beautyforashes to me, in the toughness of this moment, it sounds like there is an opportunity here for growth or learning what you are really capable of or, maybe more appropriately, unlearning the need for control…so, I guess, dig deep and find something amazing and surprising and beautiful… ☺
The lack of trust in her part just sounds like the spirit of fear, as they say…with time and continued trustworthy behavior on your part, the fear and distrust will subside. You guys got this.
In the meantime, maybe read some Pema Chodron…she has a lot of advice about tolerating distress and letting go of control. ☺
@thecriticsdarling
You are ridiculously intuitive…you statement “dig deep and find something amazing and surprising and beautiful” unngggHH!! Oh soo powerful!!
You scare me sometimes with what you write…
@beautyforashes I apologize for the scares.
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Hope she’s made it back okay!
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I just found your OD and joined your story. Your girl sounds like me in the beginning of my relationship. All I can say is that if she is the one you need to trust in God that he has a plan for you both.
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