not “enough”

This was my attitude a lot about David and how he was as a parent.  He just didn’t do "enough."  He knew that I would take care of the girls and he did what he could… but not… enough.

When he was working a lot of hours, a schedule he didn’t feel he had control over, I was angry he didn’t see them "enough."  That most of the responsibility fell on me.  Did he see them enough?  who knows.. probably not.  But did he see them?  absolutely.

When he lost his job and his support was reduced and he didn’t pay very much at all.. i was, of course, angry he wasn’t providing enough.  Because much of that responsibility fell on me..  was it fair?? no.. is life fair?? well.. we know the answer to that… 

When he school functions because of lame life things.. i was angry.. he wasn’t doing "enough!"  

I was always a bit angry because i felt the girls deserved more from him.. more time, more support, more .. just.. more.  But I always know that he loved them.  Not in the same way as me maybe.. but he did.. and he always felt he was doing his best, even if it didn’t always look that way to me from the outside.. 

Dealng with Charles’ ex.. i can see it in her.. the anger over "not enough"..   The irratiional desire to just be able to do it  yourself and not deal with him anymore… because well, he doesn’t do "enough" anyway.. 

If i could only go back to the days when he didn’t do "enough"…  well I’d give  anything to give my girls one more of those days..

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September 2, 2013