I was sitting here studying.. and after i get this out i will get back to it.. but i was sitting here and all of the sudden i had the feeling that I have been "too ok" lately..
No silent crying at the computer looking over old pictures or looking at sad, heartfelt yet heartbreaking posts by others that loved the man that created my children. No recent posts by me about him.. In the last month, in the business of life, it slipped away.
And i feel so guilty. So now.. i looked at his memorial page. no new posts.. has everyone else all of the sudden forgotten too? So I headed over to his regular page. And this is part that kind of hurts. As you all know, David was my EX-husband. The father of my kids, a big part of my life, but an EX. One that irritated and annoyed me.. and even though a small part of me knew that he did what he could for the girls, a larger part of me was just plain angry with him. For all of it. The lying, the mental illness, the job in the ghetto convenience store??, the girlfriend/fiance who although is a nice person brought him into living in a VERY BAD neighborhood… i mean COME ON! get it together!!! ugh. Then it was the joblessness.. the lack of child support… well you get it. And the point that i’ve taken a very long time in getting to is… we weren’t on a facebook Friend kind of level. But, due to his lack of technical savvy.. his page is public. So every once in a while i go to it.. to see if anyone’s chosen to write there. A place where I cannot, and remember him.
And i found a couple of posts.. one from his sister that said she cried and yelled for him recently… I get that. More than anything in life i wish his resting place was closer so i could go there.. alone.. lay on the ground cry and yell and scream. Just throw a huge temper tantrum at the unfairness of it all… (of course, i’d scare others, so i really wouldnt’) but the idea of this is just ugh. something i feel that someday would be so great.
Another post by Morgan.. an 18 year old who just watched her friend’s dad walk her friend down the aisle at her wedding.. something Morgan will never get to have.. Something Maya and Paige will never get to have. It’s not ok.
See, normally I walk around ok. My life is good. Filled with opportunities that i never even imagined I still had.. But yet, it is never going to be what i envisioned it to be .. it can’t. The world will never be quite right again. ever. it can’t ever be made completely whole.
So even when i’m feeling ok now.. when that feeling that lurks beneath the surface that everything isn’t quite right is a little smaller… it comes back..
and then i get to feel guilty for feeling "too ok"…
but then again, maybe that’s the part where they say it gets better with time.. maybe i’m finally getting "there"