Socially Desperate

11/11/2018

I want to take back it all.

 

July 15

I’m so desperately waiting to hang myself

 

Added May 18:

Why am I only running back to this diary every time there seems to be a major life event…Why cant I write in my diary anymore without paying? 🙁

 

 

There were a few times during my life I just automatically picked up and left without saying anything.  Cut the terrible weight thats been sagging me down. The time where my 3 favorite girl friends in high school were constantly talking behind my back and it caused so much paranoia and me being terribly uncomfortable; I just ended up writing this terrible note about them on my very first diary on this site.  They got a hold of it and they clearly were not happy about it.  I never said I was sorry.  I quietly closed the first diary other one and opened this diary.

Forward maybe ten years later when I was 27-28 I made friends with some ladies and it was the same thing.  I was being talked about behind my back I became really frustrated over the constant fact that “If they hated me, why are they even hanging out with me?” kind of sentiment and I abruptly just cut ties with them cutting off them from facebook, text …the works.

Cut to now: where im 32 years old hanging out with my kids and my husband.  A life where I’m kinda happy given the circumstances and I spend my free time playing a mmo.  Ive spent my last two years raiding and doing end game content and gotten to know 4 players who I don’t genuinely call friends more like we have no one else to play with. The players are all male, Ive never pursued any type of romantic relationship with any of them and now I just know from the type of people I used to hang out with, they are talking about me behind my back.  I’ve never claimed to be a great player…More like mediocre but I know enough to be able to do hard content myself.  The fact is clearly I’m no longer having fun on a game no less and now it’s time for me to fly to coup.  I heard a few snide remarks and giggles and snickers before last nights raid were done.  When they were complaining about the low loot table they voted to do when I had to afk.

A few nights ago there was a heated discussion among the 4 players. All I asked is if I could do a raid to fix a build since I run support before running a hardmode with 11 other players. I got accused of causing a problem for needing more time and even though 2 other people agreed that the team wasn’t ready it was clearly my fault.  I thought I was ok.  I’m not happy the more I think about it.  Now, I’m going to disappear.  The growing trend in all of these short stories of awful friendship ideas has one thing in common: Me.

I do have sort of a social unawareness problem that I seem to not be able to control about myself.  Honestly I’m surprised i’m married since it is a issue that has been nagging me for a while now.  I have no real girlfriends, no actual friends aside my husband who we do call each other best friends.  I tell him everything and hopefully he tells me everything but no one to actually shoot the shit with aside from my husband. I consider myself super shy and explosively clingy if I were to ever befriend someone. So I try to keep my distance to not creep anyone out.  It’s like people can tell that I am socially awkward and weird and maybe a little desperate for a smidgen of attention. How can I balance this out?  I’m constantly fighting with myself to be more extroverted but awfully aware that I could do something wrong and ruin anything with anyone I meet.  How do I become less desperate? Am I even desperate?

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March 18, 2018

I hope you find a best friend soon.

March 18, 2018

I had similar issues…very intense person who can wear people out… I had to become OK with myself as a person, be OK with being alone….oddly, after I started to accept bits of myself, I attracted some of the most amazing people as friends…hang in there!