Saturday around 3pm
It is a beautiful Saturday. I’m still exhausted from the music video shoot, but I managed to get out of bed earlier this morning to buy two venti cinnamon dolce lattes (with 3 pumps instead of 5) from Starbucks earlier. I also wrote a hook and first verse to a new instrumental given to me. It’s a song about being me telling another person to let me be their “healing place” when their last relationship damaged them. I don’t know how the song will turn out but I’m singing it as though Micheal Jackson wrote and performed it. I would say the song is the pop/soul version of MJ’s, “Dirty Diana”.
I am back in bed now. I still feel tired, and I don’t wish to do anything. I want to make it to the gym eventually because I want to work on looking and feeling my best.
Last night, I saw this beautiful young woman on TikTok live. Her face was mesmerizing. She had the most perfect features. She had almost 200 people at one time all chatting and commenting how beautiful she was. She was a lesbian, but I know I’m not one. I just recognize beauty. If I were to be with any particular gender, it would be with a man.
As stated before, my therapist concluded I was asexual. She also said I had borderline personality disorder because I was delusional for believing one day I was going to be famous. She constantly insulted me, yet, I stayed with her for months as a masochist. I never believed I had bpd, but a part of me wondered if I truly was delusional for going after this particular career path.
I concluded that it really doesn’t matter what she thinks. We all have a short time on this earth and we have the right to decide how we live it. For example, I decided I didn’t want to go through life with an addiction anymore. I wanted to feel everything and no longer numb my feelings. Therefore I’m trying my best to never smoke again. It’s been one month, ten days and 12 hours.
I only had cravings for marijuana maybe just twice in the past month. I made it through one terrible craving by calling a friend, taking a walk, working out, and eating a good meal. If I had smoked, I would have not worked out and would have eaten so much junk food. I’m so proud of myself that I didn’t smoke.
I stopped talking to everyone that triggers me to smoke too. I no longer speak to my slow friend who is a pot head. I also stopped speaking to my lesbian friend who wanted to be in a relationship with me. Both held a lot of resentment towards me for not desiring them back, and I don’t need that type of negative energy in my life.
Speaking of negativity energy…I felt bad when I spoke about a pastor in a previous journal entry. On his recent birthday, the day had perfect weather. It was like God made that day special for him. I know he’s an overall good man. However, I won’t feel bad for speaking my truth. Truthfully, I was treated unfairly by the woman who ran the young adult choir. The pastor did make a joke in front of thousands of people and said, “get your own stage!”, to those who wanted to be on his platform. And the age limit was restricted to 25 years or younger in order to be a part of their organization, when I was 32 years old at the time. Those are the facts. It just goes to show that everyone is only human. We all make mistakes. Even a pastor and members of its congregation are not perfect. That’s why I don’t trust anyone…ever.
I’m watching Julia & Julia to help lull me to sleep. I love this character and storyline. A woman of a particular age who finds passion in cooking. I don’t remember anything tragic happening in this story…just pure bliss. The lead character even has a man who loves her terribly and she is equally attracted to him. Can I have it all one day too?…passion in career and love?
“Jesus, please keep me safe from all evil. Protect me from anyone who have ill intentions against me. Let their hearts be filled with love, leaving no room for hatred. Let those reading this prayer find solace
in You. Grant me peace that surpasses all understanding & a strength that is everlasting. Amen”