I am not perfect.

I am not perfect, never have been, never will be. I am trying to get rid of the guilt. The guilt i feel about not having a better relationship with my sisters and father, the guilt around my failed relationships, the guilt over my weight. That is a big one. If you have read my past posts you know I have struggled and am struggling. My brain was taught wrong when it comes to food. I have overcome a lot, lost over 100lbs, but i still need to lose 75-80 lbs more. and I am struggling! I know how to do it, but i have turned myself into an addict. Food is my crack.

Admitting this has been so hard. I need to retrain my brain. No more good and bad days. Just eat, what you want, when you want. The key is how much. Today i wanted chocolate, so I had a candy bar. And you know what? I do not feel guilty. I will go for a walk on my lunch in a few minutes and I will work out when I get home from work. It is so hard to lose the guilt. That freak out moment of “I have eaten so well today! Why did I ruin it with a candy bar?” But it is not bad! Its a damn candy bar! So I do a little more exercise today.

I am not perfect, not every day will be good. But I have to learn to stop dwelling on this.

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1 week ago

That’s an important thing to remember. You don’t have to be perfect. It’s hard to remember that. You can do this though.

1 week ago

@heffay thank you! your comments are always kind 🙂

1 week ago

Food is almost everyone’s crack. It’s what keeps us alive. A lot of brain cells are in charge of making sure we eat.
Please google HAES. You should never feel guilty about your weight. Weight has been proven repeatedly to be about 85% due to genes. It’s also been proven that our bodies will go into overdrive to make sure we regain any weight we lose, plus more. Our bodies interpret diets as famine, which sets off a chain of events in our bodies meant to preserve us and the following generations. Did you know that the offspring of women who diet around conception and during pregnancy more often have weight problems and grow up to become diabetic? That’s because the mother’s body is preparing the child for the famine she’s coping with (Or so her body thinks).

Let go of the guilt and shame. You’re just a person doing the best she can.

1 week ago

@scarletibis Thank you! It has been a lifetime struggle! My Mom put me on my first diet when i was a chubby 8 year old! At 41 I am not trying to retrain my brain and have a healthy relationship with food. Its not easy

1 week ago

@scarletibis and i just started reading about HAES. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! Thank you for the suggestion! People see me at 260lbs and thing i must have issues! Well I used to weigh 420lbs. I do not have diabetes, or even pre diabetes, I do not have high blood pressure, mine is actually low, and I do not have high cholesterol. I am in better health than my skinny room mate! Size does not dictate health!

 

1 week ago

@betsylynne I’ve been about 260-280 most of my life. I don’t overeat or binge. Never have. I *do* have diabetes and PCOS and Syndrome X, but it’s not due to my weight; it’s the cause of my weight. It’s all genetic. My endocrinologist says he has so many patients like me. The year before last I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which explains so much about my health. Then soon after I gained 90 pounds in two weeks. I went to the ER and was put in the hospital with a mystery illness. A biopsy showed it to be a rare autoimmune disease called Minimal Change Disease (named a long time ago when diseases were given silly names). I had to have chemo to put it in remission. Inactivity and prednisone made me gain weight. I’m over 300 pounds now, but I’m feeling lucky to be alive.
Try to love your body. It’s not ugly or bad because it has more fat cells than you’d like. It’s doing the best it can and it’s the only one you get. Starving it isn’t being kind to it even though some would twist it to seem that way. We don’t get enough time for it to be the focus of our lives.
I need to take my own advice. It’s a hard battle when society pounds it into your head that you’re only good when you’re thin. But it’s a lie.

1 week ago

@scarletibis it is hard. I am proud of how far i have come, but it never seems  to be enough according to society. My doctor told me it is actually more dangerous to be underweight! I cant control what others think, but i can control me, learn to have a healthy relationship with food and myself. That is what I am working on.

1 week ago

@betsylynne Good!

1 week ago

Let me clarify something most people get wrong: you ARE perfect. Perfection means “completed”. You might not be *flawless*, but you are perfect.