having an episode

I was reading today about how after a long period of trauma the quiet is when the real grief sets in. This was in relationship to trans folks who had spent the last four years on edge because they never knew when their rights were going to be tweeted away. Similarly immigrant populations here on legal visas were caught up in frequent ICE raids. I know for me the spike in hate crimes that followed each of that guy’s rallies and the over all uptick in displays of right wing threats and violence left me on edge. Seeing that group of militia members practicing on the side of I-5, trump flags fluttering, in the run up to the election was kind of — well you know, disorienting. It’s easy to dismiss that kind of stuff as a one off. But I’m not so sure. I see these interviews with folks who voted for Marjorie Taylor Green in GA saying, “she’s a fighter,” “she’s tough,” ‘she’s what we need.” They’re not talking about policy or anything but basically saying, ‘yeah, we’re okay with her saying Pelosi should be murdered and calling victims of mass school shootings crisis actors.” Here on O.D. the right wingers are outraged that there are consequences to their outrageous statements. One diarist, who seems frankly mentally ill, posted about her visions telling her how Hilary Clinton was a pedo-satanic-baby eater, etc. So she’s in that mind set. But she talked at length about her burning hatred, her deep, profound murderous rage. How did she get spun up to this place? Other less dramatic right wing diarists lament the loss of “freedoms” but seem to be lamenting the fact that people are calling them out for spouting lies and idiotic fascist nonsense. “If you don’t like it, don’t read it” is a common refrain. True — but then again, why are you posting in a public medium if you don’t want to engage with the public. “I’m attacked for having a different opinion.” Is racism an opinion? Homophobia? Transphobia? Are these just things we disagree on? Because I see them as moral values.

In the relative quiet of not having an ongoing adrenal rush of fear over what the former game show host and fascist Florida man was doing to endanger my health, income or safety, (and yeah, he did hit all three for me) I find myself mostly just feeling exhausted and depressed. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. We really don’t like each other, Americans. We have more in common than not but we don’t like each other and have taken steps to isolate from each other. I live here in a blue bubble deliberately. Yes, my work is here, but I seriously could not live in a rural area. I’d be so isolated I’d go nuts. I’m not into the stuff they like out there — no shame in going to church or watching sports, hunting, etc. It’s just not interesting to me. And it’s not like there’s anything wrong with them for not wanting to stand in line at the latest Korean BBQ food truck or go see a Matthew Barney exhibit. Different strokes, right?  Like, if I find out someone voted for trump, I pretty much won’t do anything for them at that point. I feel weird about that but my reasoning is, you voted to endanger me. Your pick floated anti LGBTQ legislation and passed a lot of it. I don’t really see why I should do anything I’m not legally or contractually obligated to do. I have a former friend who wanted me to read her screenplay and give her notes on it. She voted twice for trump and so when she reached out to me this summer and asked if I would read her script I just said I was too busy. I was busy but I read scripts for people all the time. In her case, no — not doing any favors. I wouldn’t hire anyone I knew was a trump voter but I’d also never say that’s why I’m not hiring them. My dentist was a trump voter — I switched dentists. If his judgement is that poor I can’t trust him with my teeth. Yeah, there are going to be ongoing consequences as far as I’m concerned until one renounces this affiliation with anti-democratic authoritarian white nationalists.

Which gets me back to the episode. I’m depressed as fuck. I am a clinically depressed person, have been since I was 27. I’ve been on and off medications but have been able to maintain good mental health through diet, exercise and journaling. hello. Anyhow, I can feel this coming on because I know what it feels like. I am burnt out. My friends and family have been dealing with the same — a lot of burnt out folks. I don’t place the blame totally on trump but really the burnt out-ness of it all comes from the vast network of fellow citizens who said, “we’re okay with or willfully oblivious to the suffering he is inflicting on millions on a daily basis.” I just have to ask, why? What ideology? The guy stands for nothing. Jesus-y judges? Punishing brown folks? What did you get out of it all? The country is split in two. We don’t even agree on reality anymore. Any right wing creep could have stocked the courts and given trillions away to the wealthiest. You knew he was going to make “us” suffer. That’s why you love him. He made us suffer. Okay, we suffered and are suffering. Now what? You want us to die? It seems like it.