Parents being difficult

I think difficult is an understatement.

Now that my mom is 86 she has a plan for he remaining years: do nothing to take care of her health, get in a catastrophic accident, have me and my sister fly across country in a panic and resolve whatever nightmare situation she’s fallen into. Rinse, repeat.

My husband’s parents 87 and 83 have the same plan but with the added fun of drinking until they’re screaming improvised lines from Who’s Afraid of Virgina Wolfe at each other while getting ready for bed. D just returned from his parents’ house because his dad nearly bled out in the bathroom when he snagged his catheter and then two days later his mom fell and broke her arm, shoulder and hip. Did I mention they can totally afford to have a home health care worker but they refuse? That they could go to the nicest, most country club like assisted living but they refuse? Same with my mom. She wants to get in a car accident and be sued for every penny rather than spend a dime of it to take care of herself.

I wonder if I’ll become like this? I don’t think so. I’m 56 now and haven’t even remotely picked up any of my parents bad habits. My dad was a very thirsty alcoholic and I don’t drink. I did – for like 10 years – drink socially and not to excess. I’ve never been drunk or sick from drinking, just buzzed. Not as a point of pride, but just because I really didn’t want to be the kind of man he was. And my mom, who is smart as hell, is also incredibly irrational. I’m not like that.

Honestly, if I had the money and knew I would be taken care of, I’d be fine with assisted living if I couldn’t look after myself. As a proud member of Gen X, the thought of having someone do something, ANYTHING, for me sounds like a luxury after a lifetime of having to do EVERY goddamned thing for myeself. I’ve spent my whole professional life doing my job, proping up Boomer bosses who can’t use technology and mopping up after the emotionally and psychologically fragile younger generations who are too overwhelmed to do theirs. I digress.

I’d like to go to one of those gay ones in Palm Springs – that would be hilarious. I’m not like Mr. Gay Pride or anything, I have more straight friends than gay friends, but the point is, at that age, it would be funny to join a club based on sexuality when you look like a turtle out of its shell.

I’m writing a new script called Mandatory Corporate Retreat and I love it.