I’m not sure if I’ve ever understood myself. I mean emotionally, mentally and… sexually. In this day and age, and being someone of this day and age, being yourself is so much easier. People are willing to accept you with both arms open and there’s no judgement or whatsoever. It’s almost like you’re finally allowed to express yourself without worrying about the hate that you might get. Not that you don’t get your fair share of assholes who thrive on the negativity they spread. I’ve heard the line, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say nothing at all,” (courtesy of my darling Thumper of course) countless times and yet it amazes me just how desperate humans can be to hurt others. I mean… the self-validation must be intoxicating, like the wave of euphoria that sweeps all over you after your first hit.
Okay… way off track here. Going back to what I said earlier. I am confused. I’m not sure if it’s because of how I was brought up or because of all that I had to teach myself growing up, because God forbid my parents ever taught me to love myself and take care of my mental health or even be who I want to be. Not that I can blame them really. They were raised a certain way and unlike me, they didn’t have an opportunity to question things nor did they have the resources to learn all that was supposedly taboo *ahem, ahem sex*. I’ve never had “the birds and the bees” talk. Everything that there is to know about sexuality I taught myself and, not to be cocky or anything, I did a damningly good job. I just- I just wish I had someone in my life growing up who helped me comprehend what I read because not always did I understand things the way they were meant to be understood.
There was a time when I thought that just lying beside a male would get me pregnant, all thanks to the term ‘sleeping together’. I read erotica and watched a lot of porn just to understand sex. It was especially difficult when I realized I wasn’t attracted to just males. I started finding girls attractive too and for the longest time I was disgusted with myself.
When I started typing this, I didn’t realize that it would be difficult to continue… I’d like to end this here. Maybe… someday I’ll finish this.