Open Mic, Music and Tim

So I was at open mic tonight for our dorm. And it was good. Funny and serious and good time. Lasted bout 2 hours. This one guy, Kevin, plays guitar, like what! He’s amazing. And he sang this song about saying goodbye and it made miss Tim and wanna cry. Also this guy Chris from home and Casey were sitting in front of me and they were being really cute and making me jealous. I really miss him. And college here is so…..ANNOYING!!! God – I’m so conflicted and I don’t know what to do. I really do like it here. I’m starting to get used to the campus and the people. But the band director makes me so unhappy. And the oboe teacher – bless her heart, but she is completely what I don’t need. She teaches everything opposite of my teacher back home. She’s really nice and everything, but she’s just not hard enough on me. And I don’t know if the music department here can give me what I need. Oh God, I’m in such turmoil. I’m trying to sraighten everything up, but I just can’t get it all straight in my head. I miss Tim. And I kinda feel like he is the one. He’s it. “He is my match.” (I’ve been watching Ever After.) He is the one I’m meant to be with. And I refuse to lock myself down right now, because thats excatly what I don’t want. I need to move up and move on. If he comes with me, cool. If we meet up later, cool. But I know neither of us are ready. So I have to keep that part of me dead. I can’t let anyone touch it because it hurts. Like what Manny does to me. I can’t let him touch me like that because it hurts too much. So I’ve shut down and locked up that part of me. At least for right now. I can’t let it out.
And my music, the only other thing that really sustained me, is not there either. I can’t play like I used to. I’m just out of joint. The band director is horrible! Band used to be my release in high school. (Except for the last month, but thats not the point). For 4 years Band was a time to relax and play and have fun. I hate it now!! I hate it so much! And after a long day of classes that are boring or pointless or dumb or all three, I hate going to band and getting upset. My best days are when I don’t have band. And I only have orchestra. But thats only once a week. And you would think, ok so one bad class that I can drop next semester. But I can’t. He expects us to go on the Spring Tour. That is during the WEEK of Spring Break that I get. So there goes going home for spring break! And I don’t get to enjoy all of my winter break cause I’m going to AZ. And you would think then, ok so just a year and then it will be over. But it won’t. I want to teach band. My band director was the one who inspired me and showed me that being a teacher doesn’t really suck. It might be something I want to do. And now my band director makes me wanna cry. I was practically crying in band because I’m thinking of transfering to Crane or Eastman or maybe Juliard. I don’t know. And I hate band. I really do, but I am starting to love the people here. And I really don’t want to have to start all over again. And I’m feeling comfortable and almost at home. I can’t go through that hell of readjusting. It really sucked.
So the two things that help me, music and Tim are no longer there. And the shit is really starting to hit the fan back home and I’m pissed and hurt. And I don’t want to deal with her and him anymore. Can’t it just go away. And give up. And end!!! No of course not! It must come back and bite me in the butt again and again.
And I don’t want to leave here and go back home defeated, but this is my life. I can’t let my pride ruin my chance at what I want. So maybe – Crane here I come. Maybe Calvin – here I stay. I don’t know. And now Manny’s on. ARG!!! I CAN’T WIN!!!