I AM Blessed

I’m afraid I’ve gotten myself into a bind.  Twelve years ago, the love of my life left me…as in, had a massive heart attack and died.  He was 57 years old.  We’d been married for 24 years.

Financially, I’d have been okay.  But emotionally, I was so broken that I had a hard time reaching out to God…whom I’d always depended on to see me through.

I went to work.  Mostly.  I was lost and alone, no matter how many friends I had who did what they could to help.

And then Clif, my now husband asked me out.  I’d known him from work for several years and thought of him as a gentleman and a good person.

It’s ten years later.  I realized just after we said our vows that everything changed.  Suddenly, money was overly important and my opinion was unimportand.  I was told, “I thought you’d change after we got married.”

I replied, “I thought you wouldn’t.”

I’ve prayed and worked hard at this marriage.  We both discovered things about the other that we didn’t like after saying, “I do.”  I found out that he’d been married one more time than he’d told me.  And that he’d filed for bankruptcy.  He also has major control issues.

But the most devasting one to our marriege is the anger problems.  He likes to throw things.  Like laptops.  This prevents me from bringing up anything that could cause that anger from flaring up.  And that sucks.  Communication is rather important, IMHO.

After nearly thirty years as a govenment contractor, I was laid off 17 months ago.  I searched everywhere for another job and that’s when I realized two imperative things.

I’ve had a number of surgeries in the last decade-two back fusions, two neck fusions, a broken wrist and surgery on that and several procedures on a brain annuerysm.  My pain, most days now, since I’m not sitting at a computer all day, aggravating what caused many of the health issues, is bearable.

And the reason I haven’t been able to find employment, I believe, is beause those who know me well also know of my health limitations.

With strong urging from Clif, I cashed in both 401 K’s so that I could continue paying my “personal bills” and having money to live on.  My husband’s  been generous to pay “our” bills.  He’s employed with the government and can well afford it, but throws it up in my face time it’s eonvenient, telling me what I’m costing him.

He doesn’t want me to start in on what he’s cost me.

Two months ago, he started paying my car payment and a credit card bill.  Although he told me several months ago that he’d do that, he angrily throws it in my face every other day.

It’s been a long nearly ten years since we said our vows.  I have the poser of prayer that helps keep me sane and gives me hope.  I have family that loves me dearly but are far away.  They’re worried about me, knowing my situation could change in a moment.

All of my life, I’ve had a tremor that runs in my family and seems to get worse as time goes on.  I’ve had anziety and depression as long as I can remember.  I’ve been put on medicationto ehlp me with it, but my husband doesn’t want to help me with the $7 for a 3 month supply that it costs.

Recently, I’ve been diagnosed as being bi-polar.  It’s been difficult to add this to the list of health problems I’ve already been dealt.

And earlier this week, I was diagnosed with gastritus.

I’ve filed for disability.  I do believe that it will be approved, eventually, but until then, there are so many thing that i need assistance with–my medications being at the top of the list!

It’s sad to me that I am “married”…yet I’m all alone.  I have little financial support, no emotional support.  I learned in my first marriage that these are just a few of the things that should be benefits of being married.  This is just NOT what I consider a union and I have a goal to get away from it.

Me and my opinions are NOT resped.  I am alone (I mean, in this marriage) which is so far from what should be after ten years of my life and at nearly 60 years old.

I pray for a chance at a decent life for myself, where I could make my own decisions, follow God’s lead and live in peace.  To have a chance..!

Blessed Be!

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