Email (af XIV)

I wrote him an email, thought it was pretty good and well thought out. There’s nothing in it that I would change, I don’t know how it sounded to him, when he read it, he wouldn’t have agreed because he wouldn’t agree to take responsibility for the drama. He’s a coward. He’s scared to be betrayed but that will always be in the back of his mind. I did him a favor by extending a hand, if someone doesn’t wanna accept then that’s on them.  I did my part and I’m proud of it. It’s not about having a loser or a winner, I’ll always be a winner if  I walked away and improved myself instead of going downhill with drinking and drugs which is his default. He doesn’t wanna take responsibility that’s fine. He doesn’t wanna talk. Because there’s nothing left to say, what is he gonna say, “yea it was all Anna’s fault”?? He knows he can’t blame her and he can’t blame me. The finger is left pointing at him and he’s not gonna take that chance knowing that there’s nothing left in it for him. He knows I don’t want him. So he’s just gonna reach out to admit fault and get nothing in return?? Maybe it’s too painful. Maybe it’s better not to talk. Ever. Maybe it’s better to bury it and never uncover those bones again. He can’t change my life, he can barely change his. He’s mentally not strong. It would of been a waste of time. If anything it should have been done back in those days by HIS initiation and if he didn’t have the guts to do that then he doesn’t deserve to talk to me. He doesn’t deserve to hear from me AT ALL. He deserves to sit back and suffer and watch me grow and expand and hear about me knowing that he fucked up. Kinda like me with Brandon. I sometimes wonder, and I deeply wondered but then I move on with my life, knowing that we’re not a match, knowing that it would have never worked until I fixed my shit, my self-esteem and learned to take accountability and learned to take no shit. Maybe he’s scared of me, of the betrayal, of the shame and wants to detach from it as far as possible. He doesn’t need to talk to me. I don’t wonder what he thinks. He already told me HOW he thinks. Who cares what he thinks at this point. It’s time to bury 2019 in all its glory. It’s time to stop being needy in the wrong places with the wrong people, with people who stabbed me in the back multiple times. Why run to that??? Waste of time. It’s better to move on and never think of his pathetic ass again. It still gives me nightmares, like who can I trust if  I can’t trust the ones who promised to love and marry??? How the fuck do people trust their spouses when this kinda bullshit is on the regular. Well he treated me like an object in order to satisfy his own ego, his own abandonment, his own hunger. He was counting on me to fill him up. He couldn’t fill himself up, not for one second. He can’t regulate himself. And that’s what makes him toxic and gullible and annoying and a toddler. I’m done with babysitting. I’m nobody’s mom. I’ve been babysitting every single bf for the past 4/5 years, that’s not my style. That’s NOT who I fall for, that’s not my type at all. I need a man who travels A LOT, who doesn’t need me to regulate his feelings and tantrums. I need a grown-up, not a 4-year-old with abandonment trauma. So many of those around. I don’t’ know how I will learn to trust a man. I just know the ones  I can’t when I see one and I need to stop with that charity bullshit. I’m not into you bye. No pity dates. Those NEVER end up well. Only a waste of time. I just want a guy as a companion for now, but I do crave some sort of closeness. Damnit I want a unicorn. Someone close, but someone not too close, someone to love and adore me but someone who gives me PLENTY of space in case I wanna run at any given time. Someone that doesn’t exist?? Where do I find him?? Plus educated and tall and smart and logical. Bonus if he can read my mind and has a lotta cash. I dont think that exists so I end up looking for one man in different scattered parts in different men. Charming, sweet, funny, awkward, eccentric, logical and thinking outside of the box at the same time. Where are you? Will I ever find you? Sex just because doesn’t do it for me. Sex with mediocre friendship doesn’t do it for me. Sex with a friend I trust doesn’t do it for me. Yea Brad is out of the pic because he criticizes me and has anger issues and then projects his anger onto me. No self-awareness and his anger is a huge turn off to me. I would never date him. He’s sweet though, in a lost puppy sorta way. Plus his dick is too small for my taste. I’m just over him and his inability to see that I care. Not wasting my time trying to prove my self-worth. I just want it to flow and I don’t wanna be bored during it. Is that too much to ask??

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