Sasha- Why does it hurt

When he mentions his ex. I know there are gaps to the story, some parts he isn’t telling me. He can’t make himself the bad guy, it would scare any woman away. He has to use common sense. And if he wants to fuck me, he can’t scare me off. That’s the other thing that pisses me off- ok u’re not over her but u wanna use me, my soul, my body and my time as a filler for her?! Are women just objects to you. I also feel like he resents women for sure maybe because he resents his mom for not being able to save him back when he was lil. Are all women unreliable cunts to him? Does he choose women who don’t choose him? And why do I wanna save him from it all? Why do I wanna make it my mission to help him heal. To help him feel his feelings when he’s so numb he doesn’t even wanna feel them. Why do I give a damn? Why do I wanna prove myself to him? Proving myself by allowing him to use me as his therapist and as his emotional pillow. Am I just being a friend? I don’t wanna fuck him, we passed that train. Fucking him will drain my soul and tie me to his devil’s soul. No thanks. I’ve worked too hard to know the difference. To know the difference between a man who wants me and a man that deserves me.

I feel desire for him, he’s attractive, he’s my type and something about him is unattainable. I can easily find a man with his qualities that has no problem committing to me and valuing me and making me feel special. We should just be friends. He’s fun to flirt with, I like it when he gives me attention. But damn he’s so hurt, so broken to pieces. His ex literally ran away from him. And I’m here wondering how to fix him. Talk about trauma sounds.

He’s not over her, so why is he my responsibility? Why do I wanna mother him- make sure he’s safe, making sure he’s always feeling safe. I don’t want the mom role, I don’t want the mistress role, I want the wife role. I’m not accepting projects – only. His self-worth is at the bottom of the barrel, maybe he picks women and uses them later as an emotional punching bag? He’s not the kind of man that makes a women feel safe, valued or wanted. He doesn’t make me feel those things- not even on a human level- muchness on a friendship level. If I have a problem, his reaction is to bullshit himself out of it. Is this someone who screams maturity? Who screams accountability? Who screams readiness to be committed? Ok, then why is talking to him so fun? Talking to him sparks something in me, to want to write, to want to learn, to want to workout. There’s a fine line where he can trigger me to do the opposite- to feel like crap and not wanna feel inspired to do anything. Why does he hold this key over me? Why did I give him my keys?

Why was he given to me? What is here to teach me? Doesn’t matter anymore- I lost hope. Hope is the last to die and it’s dead now. If he comes near me, will I be able to resist him? Should I run from him forever? It will die out on its own anyway.