Simmering Anger

How does shitty trauma affect my life now? I’ll tell you how. It makes me not trust men. No, wait. It makes me not trust men as a default. It makes me take my time to get to know someone. I don’t wanna a kiss on the 1st date! Fuck that, gotta have to trust these hoe bags first. If you’re a girl, I don’t trust you just because “you’re nice.” If you’re a guy, I don’t’ trust you just because “you seem open.” Fuck no. Do I have trust issues now? No, but I have “what the fuck did you do for me trust you” issues now. . I’m not the Chairwoman of Charity of Trusts. What have you done to EARN it?? Most likely nothing. Neutral at best and trials of been through hell and back and stayed loyal AF at its finest. Also it makes me not wanna fuck guys just because. I had no problem sleeping with a guy just because I was in the mood. Now the only thing that will make me in the mood is if I feel like I’m actually close to you emotionally. If I feel like I can count on you. Anything less doesn’t sit right with me. Anything less and I’m not interested. I need at least a month of talking to a guy to even know if I even want him or not. If he’s even worthy of a kiss. Of giving any kind of special attention to. I definitely need 3 months of loyalty and “he did something special for me” he went out of his way to make sure I felt like I”m cared for. Only then it makes sense. No more psychos. No more vampires. No more coverts with emotional regulation problems. No more opportunists. I’m done with that. I’m done with that for good.

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December 22, 2020