Tick Tick Bomb
Why did I feel the need to do that. The need to sabotage something good. But maybe I wasn’t into it to begin with. Maybe I could only fly up so high in the feelings of love and after come crashing down like a phoenix that burned its wings. I’m craving for renewal and he can’t give it to me. He can’t give me what I want in this relationship. I want emotional closeness and I don’t wanna do all the work. I don’t wanna cook all the time that shit takes 3 hours. The resentment came from somewhere and by the time I acted on it, it was too late. Or maybe it came from the part when he said he doesn’t want anything serious and then said that he’s open to it with me. He opened up after. I really tried for him to open up. I really did everything a good gf is supposed to do. But then I made it all crash down with a phone call. With a phone call to cancel my flight. The flight to visit his parents. I cancelled my tickets the morning of our trip. I cancelled and didnt think any further than what it would do to him. Didn’t think he would be THIS devasted. Must be his Scorpio moon and his 5 planets in Saturn. To him this is an act of betrayal that he will never forget. But to me it’s a cry for help and an act of going against MY self-betrayal. Why waste my time when I know it’s not meant to be. But breaking up before Christmas- doesn’t that equal to the darkness of the soul from the dead graveyard where the things are already dead and they’re just walking. Walking and waiting for their turn to transform. This relationship doens’t transform me, doesn’t change me, doesn’t inspire me. And on top of that I know he loves me but is love enough? Is love what pays the bills? Is love what drives someone to say “yes I”m enjoying the view of this knife in my back.” It was an impulsive decision – just like the 2 previous ones I made before. I flaked and I humiliated him. But when I look in the mirror, am I okay with my decision? When I said I want him to have his freedom what I meant was – I want to have MY freedom. I’m the one who’s feeling trapped. Trapped in the walls closing in on me and no way out. Trapped in this stagnant energy- in this swamp. I need to be in a river. I need movement and fast movement. I need my wings to soar and with him they feel small with nowhere to go. Yes the way i did it, is fucked up but I honored my truth and I stumbled and fell while running across it. I listened to me and at the end that’s what matters. Except it’s not. The feeling of shame and feeling this dark butterfly across my chest and stomach overtaking my emotional fears. I can’t sleep. I can’t move. I’m paralyzed. Thought that getting rid of him would make me feel better but it only made me feel worse. Wish he never invited me TWICE but it’s not his fault. It’s not his fault I had enough anxiety to push him away without discussing my fears. I wasn’t expecting this from myself. I wasn’t expecting that I would cancel on him the morning of. Wow. I’m a monster. Only a monster is capable of such a thing. I have a dark side to me that takes over. I’ve noticed it since childhood but I never act on it because it’s super impulsive. Shopping impulses and sexual in the past was as far as I’d let it drive me. But now it’s ruining my relationships. The closest ones to me. I don’t know why I did what I did. I just knew I wanted to get rid of this feeling of being sucked in into the vortex where I felt lifeless and dull. And now I can’t tell if I’m still in it. And I can’t tell if being with him wasn’t that bad. No it wasn’t. But I just know as a person he can’t give me what he wants and I didn’t wanna stuck in a cycle for years and years and then look back at my life and wonder how did I stay in this swamp for so long. I didn’t wanna be one of those women. And it’s ok I can work through this pain, I will live through it. I just wish I did that with the last few guys who had the red flags and who really hurt me. This one hasn’t done anything to hurt me and he did everything he could for me. He really loved me. And that’s the saddest part.