The Disrupted Plan

I had reached a point of despair and no hope. Everything I tried failed.  Every hope, every dream was lost.  I promised myself I did not have to live like this anymore. My plan was to stop taking my meds without telling anyone, flush them down the toilet each day so that my family would not be burdened with knowing it was a suicide.  And then they could mourn my passing from being physically ill, and I would no longer be a burden to them.  And David would be free to fall in love with someone else.

So I told my therapist what my plan was. So each day, I find a reason to take my pill. And that reason is that somebody knows. So if I don’t take my pill, my family is harmed.  I am surviving.  One day at a time.

I also told a couple of friends. They have ghosted me. They are afraid. It’s ok.  I’m sad. They cannot handle my pain. It isn’t theirs to carry. I understand.  It is mine. And only mine.

Today I told another friend. She had reached out to me by text, so I called her. She could handle my pain. She prayed for me. She encouraged me. She listened to me. And I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt loved.

I feel a little spark of hope.

For today.

I am going by myself to see a play tonight.

Maybe.

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September 13, 2024

I’m so glad your third friend listened and understood. We all need a friend like that! I’m also sorry you’re going through such a sad time. I hope the therapist and the meds work so that you’ll feel better.

September 13, 2024

I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending you so much love

September 13, 2024

I’ve been where you are, and only narrowly missed carrying it through.  It does eventually get better if you stick with it.  I’m glad you’re in therapy — I never could afford that and so I didn’t recover to the extent I might have done.  Don’t make the same mistake!  {{hugs}}

Jon
September 14, 2024

I’m so glad that your friend was able to be there for you. I hope you come out of this sadness soon and that your therapist and meds work for you.