I started this last night, but became emotionally exhausted, so I just finished it..
Today started out what I assumed would be a good day, and then somehow and someway it turned into utter shit. A big festering pile of it.
I went to Emmy’s baseball game tonight, and of course Russell and Olivia were there. They don’t bother me as people I would say, but they definitely bother me as far as how they treat me. It’s like I’m completely shut out from the boys, it almost feels as if they wish I would just disappear from the picture entirely. It’s quite an uncomfortable situation to be in, and it tends to make my anxiety rise. But then again, what doesn’t??
I called Si over to sit beside me and he did for a little while, but before i knew it, i look over and there he is by Olivia once again. WTF. It just hurts my feelings. To know that I have been replaced. And i know its not healthy to think that way, but there is no other way to think. I keep hoping things will get better as they get older, but I fear that they won’t. Anywho, so on the way home I’m bawling my eyes out. I mean crying so bad I can barely see the road. All the while, I’m screaming “I’m sorry, what the fuck else do you want me to do?!” Now don’t ask me who I was yelling at, because I can’t tell you, I don’t even know myself. I don’t know if it was to God, Russell, or the boys. Maybe a combination of all three.
I feel like I’ve paid my price. I have to sleep in the bed I’ve made every single day, since the day of my incident. I’ll carry the guilt of what I’ve done for the rest of my life. I’ll probably carry it for an enternity. I failed my children as a mother. I was willing to leave them behind with no mother. I try to give myself credit and somehow justify that I was very sick, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. Choosing to leave this world and leave them behind is inexcusable though. It’s not justifiable no matter how hard I try to make myself feel better about it. I’m so incredible ANGRY at myself its not even funny. I’m the one who has done this. I have to live with my actions and decisions. Usually, when it’s someone else your mad at, you can stay away from them, and you can just avoid them. How the fuck do you run away from yourself? By self destructing. I can’t do that…it’s not healthy..
I stopped at the gas station to get some little bottles of wine, thinking that would make me feel better. I just wanted to escape how I was feeling. I took one sip and then remembered what my therapist said on Monday. That I tend to self sabatoge..so I told myself we weren’t going to do that today. I went home and took a hot bath instead and used the balloon trick she taught me to calm down. It worked okay I guess. I think I was just too worked up though. I thought about stuffing my face with hot cheetos, but I said no. I got so aggrivated with myself for even thinking that, I just wanted to run away quite literally from everything and from myself. So that’s what I did. I got Charlie on his leash and we went for a run. It was great. The burn in my chest, the ache in my legs, it was so invigorating. Maybe that’s what I’ll keep doing. Is just running away from it all, until the “I hate you” feelings subside. It’s got to be healthier than laying in bed all day, stuffing my face, or downing cheap bottles of wine anyway.
This situtation with the boys, Russell and Olivia have to get better. They just have to. I’m trying to have faith, but it’s so hard..