free at last

Wow, it’s been long time since I’ve late written. Life gets in the way I suppose.

Life has thrown alot my way since I’ve last written. Oh man, has it thrown some stuff my way.

I’m 9 weeks pregnant today. How do I feel about it? I don’t know to be honest. At times, I’m absolutely elated, and then there are other times where it’s almost like I’m cowering down in fear. I’m so scared to have another baby. I’m scared I’ll fuck it up again. I was never the same after my second child. That’s when all of my mental issues started. I’m worried that the same thing will happen again. As soon as the baby is out, there will be a whole new season of fucking craziness. I’m telling you right now, I cannot handle anything else mentally. I cannot handle anything more than my anxiety and depersonalization. I took a day off of work last week because I just really needed a mental health day. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been a nightmare to deal with. It’s the kind of bullshit, where you get on your OWN nerves. Ugh, that’s the worst. I just needed a day to reset, and try to snap the fuck out of it. Ask me tomorrow if it worked lol. I’m almost positive it was very short lived.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so aggrivated all the damn time. Why am I such a angry person. I’m trying very hard to figure it out. I think I’ve gotten some of it. I’m tired of pretending to be what society thinks I should be. How I should act, think, feel, etc. I’ve grown up in deep south Texas my entire life. My entire family, along with everyone I know are all republicans, thinks immigrants should be deported, love guns, etc, etc. Now I don’t like to put labels on myself, so I won’t even try to say I’m a democrat, but I do tend to lend that way. I don’t give a shit about hunting and guns. I’m not worried about defending “mine”. Yeah I need a gun, because there are people coming to take my shit everyday? Lol please. So stupid. Fine, I could understand owning ONE firearm for protection, but the need to have guns upon guns? People like that are psychopaths. There is no need in all that! I think people trying to find a better life, should be able to find one anywhere. Especially children. They don’t ask to be brought into this world. I think people who are so gung-ho about border control, have absolutely no empathy and need therapy. I don’t agree with abortions, but if a woman is raped, she should have every right to terminate her pregnancy. I don’t want to hear shit about oh she can give it up for adoption. Yeah? Let’s add more emotional trauma to her along with her already being raped. Let her form some type of attachment to a baby she didn’t want in the first place, and then just give it away. Fucking morons. I’ve been raised my entire life to believe it is a mortal sin to be gay. You will automatically go to hell. I HATE THAT! I’ve struggled with my sexuality my entire life because of that, and let me tell you that it’s EXHAUSTING. I’m so angry!!!!!! I tested my dad one time, just to see his reaction, and he straight up told me that he would disown me if I came out as gay, because it “isn’t right.” Are you fucking kidding me? God bless his soul, but I’m so mad at him for that. Love is love. People act as if they’re automatically a gay target or something lol. Don’t flatter yourself. I feel like I have to keep my opinions to myself when others express theirs. If I open my mouth, it will be an all out war. But why do I have to conform to what society says I should be? Why do I have to give a shit what others think? And that’s my whole point. I’m starting to not give one rat’s ass anymore, and it feels quite liberating. Fuck this! I’m an awesome person! I don’t condone violence. I think people should be FREE to go wherever! I think women should have a choice! I think if your gay, that’s just fine! You shouldn’t beat yourself up about anything because your afraid you’ll go to hell!!! I am who I am, I believe what I believe, and I’m done conforming to the fucking world.