So I brought my computer to work with me to work today, so I could write periodically throughout the day, and it would make time go by faster haha. Somedays I absolutely love it here, then other times it’s the worst place in the world. This place tends to be toxic, but at times it can be a real mood uplifter..So I brought my laptop to jot things down in between my clients just to have a little “me time”.
I willingly went to see a therapist, this past Monday. Usually, I’m going against my will. My mother sent me to many therapist as a child, and then after my incident it was court ordered that I’m supposed to see one. So it has never been my sole decision to go on my own. Kelli at work was telling me that at her Celebrate Recovery meetings, there is a girl who does hypnotherapy. Which means, she gets hypnotized to figure out the root cause of her issues, that way she can properly address them. I thought that was interesting, so I went out to search for one around me. I found one, suprisingly in Conroe. She’s been doing this for over 30 years, so I thought she would be a good choice.
She told me our first appointment would mostly be her asking questions to get know me and how to help me. She asked about my childhood, my ex marriage and my children and current situation. By the end of it, I was surprised to hear how she interpreted things. I thought most of my issues stemmed from my dad, which alot do, but ALOT of them stem from my mom. My therapist says that my mom is a survivor, and she always has been. That she’s always been off rescuing everyone. My dad and his addictions, patrick my step dad and his addictions, and then my sister Brittany and all of her crap. She never took time to calm herself down, so how could she teach me something she didn’t even know how to do herself? I found that interesting. She was shocked to find out that I was basically forced to take mood medication as a child, and nobody ever asked me what I wanted to do. She said maybe that’s where my issue with taking medication comes from. That, and people who have addicts as parents tend to follow their lead or go the total opposite direction, which is what I did. I already kinda figured that though. She says I never felt safe as a child, so I have carried that into my adulthood. I found Russell, and I was immediately attracted to his what you would call “strict demeanor”, because the inner child in me finally felt safe. But alot of the times, what attracts you to someone will be what destroys your relationship. So his “strictness” turned into being controlled, which is somewhat of what caused our downfall. She asked what I do outside of work, and I said I either lay in bed right when I get home, I eat, smoke tons of cigarettes, or just sleep. She says I self sabotage. I asked how she came to that conclusion and she said that I’m not used to things going well for an extended period of time in my life, so when things are going good, I get uncomfortable(whether i realize it or not) and I self sabotage everything. I do that by chain smoking, sleeping or just laying in bed, and over eating. I was quite shocked to hear that, because I never would have thought that’s what I was doing. I thought I was just bored or tired and wanted to relax. So ever since I heard her say that, I’ve been trying really hard to not do that and stay as active as I can. She told me there are some exercises she wants me to do. She gave me a 30 second hourglass, and told me whenever I’m feeling anxious, she wants me to flip it over. As the sand is running down as i breathe out, i need to quietly say “calm”, and that will help. This next one is goofy, but I swear it works. She gave me a balloon, and had me blow it up. Then she told me to hold it between me thumb and pointer and slowly let out air. The sound is almost like someone releasing a big breathe and its very relaxing. So everywhere I go, I carry my little hourglass and my yellow balloon. It’s kinda sad that this is what my life has came to, but hey whatever works! That’s about all that is new with me. She wants me to go every Monday, and its going to be expensive ($150 a session) but I keep telling myself that the cost shouldn’t matter if its going to help me. We will see. Maybe eventually I will get her to hypnotize me, but for now we will stick to what we have been doing.