My anxiety is up again. Motherfucker man. I cannot function like this, especially at work. I feel so foggy headed its not even funny. I’m nauseous and I just want to go home, but of course I can’t do that. This is truly so sad to me. I’m sitting here at work with my laptop in my lap, my little hourglass on the very edge of it, and I’m watching it go down in between typing, trying my best to calm down.
I had to take a break from writing. My medicine has finally kicked in, and for the most part, I’m calm. I feel emotionally drained though honestly. I would love to know why I have anxiety. What the fuck happened to make me have this? Is there ANY way I can possibly get rid of this? I’m so tired of doing this day in and day out.
Nannie died on Easter Sunday, and it is bringing up all kinds of feelings and reminders of dad being gone and how he died. I feel numb to nannies passing, and I don’t think it will finally click, until I actually see her in person and know she’s no longer here. I just can’t imagine Nannie not being here anymore. Death fascinates me, as far as the afterlife and whatnot, but its so foreign and uncomfortable to me at the same time. Its the unknown, and that’s what worries me. I don’t do well with the unknown.
Speaking of unknown things. I noticed this, this past Monday. So, I always say I tend to live in a bubble. I don’t venture out of it, because its unknown I suppose, and I don’t like going somewhere I’ve never been. It tends to make me nervous. So, with that being said, I stay in about a 30 mile radius of my home and don’t go anywhere else. This past Monday, Monica and I went to The Woodlands. I haven’t been there since October when me and Tay celebrated our anniversary. That’s been 6 months ago. That’s rediculous and sad..I need to get out of my comfort zone more. So that’s what I told myself…I’m going to attempt to start getting out of my comfort zone more. This going to work, going straight home, and staying home on the weekends, is not good. I don’t want to look back on life and say I wished I would have done more.
I seen my therapist this past Monday. It wasn’t as good of a session as my first one was. She didn’t give me much information. She didn’t remember hardly anything about me. Which was somewhat aggrivating, because she should have read my chart before I even got there. She asked how i felt about nannie’s death, and i said i felt numb and that was bothering me. That I was upset, but I just couldn’t cry. She told me that I shouldn’t feel obligated to feel any type of way. he