guilt

This shit hurts.

 

I didn’t even want to write it here.

 

I didn’t want to remember that here, in this very diary, 16 years ago, I had a son.

 

and now he’s gone.

 

and sometimesI get so guilty and so wracked with this terrible feeling of just being misplaced.

and nobody understands.

 

they try.

 

they want to.

 

but he killed himself.

 

my son hurt so much and I failed to be the type of mom to fix it.

 

and nothing anybody says helps.

nothing.

 

neither does this writing.

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January 30, 2019

(hugs) moms cannot always fix everything. you could not have changed things (hugs)

January 30, 2019

Cuddling between friends should be normalized and is entirely applicable. Sometimes there just aren’t words- but I am here for you if I can do anything at all.

 

<3

January 30, 2019

(hugs)
Sweetie, my heart breaks for you. As I’ve said before, I’m always around if you need to talk or vent.
~Rae

January 30, 2019

I’m so sorry about your loss 🙁 I don’t have words but I’m thinking about you and praying for you today

January 30, 2019

No words, just a great big (((Hug))).

February 4, 2019

Oh, darling. I am so sorry. I know those words feel empty, because you’ve heard them a million times by now, but I mean it.

I miss my cousin every day. I spent a very long time playing the what if game and torturing myself (and everyone around me) for not acting on the signs that were there. I damaged myself further, because I believed if I could get every single “why” question answered that it would all be okay. But you can’t have everything answered, and it wasn’t all ok. You can’t heal from something like this, you just learn to move forward. It’s ok to not be ok.

I don’t mean to take anything away from your hurt, or the memory of your son. You are not alone.

I know the hurt is private, but writing helped me a lot. I wrote in a paper journal. Filled it from cover to cover…and then when I was ready…I burned it.

February 12, 2019

I don’t know what to say, but I think you’re a good person and I have really enjoyed your writer’s voice over all these years.

February 12, 2019

i am so incredibly sorry to read this.  no words, just sending love.

April 28, 2019

Hey there, I’m back. Finally found the courage to recover my diary. I’ll probably be writing about it soon cuz it’s a continuation of old issues recorded here. Nothing like what you’re going through, but we all face our battles. Xoxo