Would you be my little cut?

I love the band “The Used” now. *sigh*

I hate when bands can carve out my insides and shatter every memory across the floor like a damn catastrophe.

And yet I love it and need and crave it…..

Anyway, I figure it won’t help much for me to try and write about all the krap that’s happened in the last 5 or so months. It would take forever and I’m sure it will come out in bits and pieces. So I’m just going to start now as if I never left and confuse anyone reading and perhaps I’ll get some evil glee.

*don’t you see… the evil glee… tee… heee…. um. hee.*

riiiiiight.

So I’m still a lunatic.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep well last night. I got the wonderful revelation that my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me.

Yes.

And I haven’t had sex for over 2 months now.

(you know, it would make sense if you said what happened)

but i don’t feel like it.

Anyway, so he won’t… and who knows when he will.

and it’s making me  crazy for lots of reasons… but I just feel so damn worthless and ridiculous because I know that if a guy can’t even just bone you, it’s gotta be bad.

and he won’t even do that because he claims that he doesn’t do that.

so that means he doesn’t … want me. I’m not…. something or other. I disappointed him and now I repulse him and it’s so amazingly painful I don’t know what to do.

Everything feels like krap right now. And so I just want to cry and cry.

Instead I get upset. And I say to myself “FINE THEN FUCKTARD! I WON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU. AND DON’T YOU DARE COME TRY AND TOUCH ME, CUZ I’LL TELL YOU I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!!!! so there! eat that fool!”

 Yeah, like that would help. But in a way I know I don’t want to have sex with him right now either, after hearing that. I don’t want him to come try it if he just feels “bad” that I brought it up. And yesterday I ate a whole medium goddamn pizza, so I know I regained 5 or 6 pounds.

Whatever. I’m just not desirable right now.

What else is really new?

Oh and Jonathon has the cutest haircut.

I’ll post pictures… one day. I guess.

oh well, i shouldn’t be upset. I probably won’t even see him for another week. or two.

I had been trying to whisk him away to a hotel room for our 6 month anniversary… but he kept finding reasons not to go. Now I know why. How awful would that have been. All romantic and me being a sex deprived fool trying to turn him on… and instead getting  turned away.

I think I’d have jumped off a bridge.

Anyway… before I end this melancholy entry, I must say that I hesitated coming back because my life is a confusing complicated drama infested wreck and I just felt like actually writing it down would make it seem more foolish. And then getting notes telling me just how goddamn stupid I was being or how to do things would make it exponentially worse.

But I realized last night as I st ared at the television and felt like used bubble gum on someones shoe…. that I needed to get it out.

I wanted to call someone… but  it was 4 in th emorning and I don’t think she’d understand *wink wink*….

but… *sigh*

ok.

so Jonathon is trying to kill himself. I should go save him.

I want to read favorites, but I can’t today.

I miss ya’ll.

*backflip*

*crash*

*blood*

oh well…..

Log in to write a note

You know, we love ya no matter what. We have missed you soooo much!

Holy crap! I got the first note! Yeeehaw!

*hugs* I hope you keep writing.

October 7, 2004

Yep, me too ^ keep writing!

October 7, 2004

we missed you and love you and are here when and if you are ready to talk about it. I am so sorry that it isn’t turning out the way you had hoped. 🙁

I won’t give you any advice, I just love that you’re back!

October 7, 2004
October 7, 2004

i’m glad you’re trying to get some of this out. i’m sorry you’re feeling this way… i had to go through something similar with jason back in the day. rejection sucks.

October 7, 2004

Come on, you know that lots of people here still love you and would be supportive of whatever was going on. It’s always better to get it out somehow rather than dwell on stuff. And also, if you’re going to be back and writing again, I demand all sorts of pictures. 😀

October 7, 2004

i have missed you too. im so sorry life is treating you poorly 🙁 ((HUGGLES))

October 7, 2004

I MISS YOU AND I AM SSSSSOOOOOOOOOO GLAD YOU ARE BACK. WHEN YOU FEEL READY YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON BUT RIGHT NOW I AM JUST HAPPY THAT YOU ARE BACK

October 7, 2004
October 7, 2004

No matter what you do/have done, we’re not here to tell you you’re stupid. We’re here to wipe away your tears, pat your back, and listen in total agreement when you need to rant 🙂 Drama happens, such is life.

I am glad you are back. Hang in there.

October 7, 2004

*massive hugs* I’m glad you’re back. And you know, your loyal fans won’t let anyone say stupid things about you. We’ll bombard anyone who says mean things with notes about how great you are. *massive monkey huggles* You must post more. You are not unattractive. YOu are beautiful and strong and we love you! ~

October 7, 2004

I’m glad your back and I am soooo sorry married life isn’t going well. I’ve missed you!!!! <3 Annie-Rae

October 7, 2004

*HUGS* I’m sorry… it sounds awful. =( I hope the kiddos are OK.

Damn it woman… Next time pick up the phone!!!! If you want to see some “hate” notes go take a gander at my diary.. lol… They’re having a field day with my ass!!! lol

October 7, 2004

((hugs))

October 7, 2004

you were missed, im sorry about the hubby. i just hate saying this but it seems like he married you to stay in the country. if he doesn’t change, maybe you should divorce him and have his ass deported!

October 7, 2004

My husband was in Texas on our 6 month anniversary. He didn’t even remember that it WAS our 6 month until I reminded him that night. Well, he SAID he remembered but… I doubt it cuz he hadn’t said anything about it all day. Whatever. I’m sorry things are poopy for you right now. *special hugs* I hope life gets better for both of us.

October 8, 2004

I went through that a while ago. Well, from what I know it sounds similar anyway. I hate when he makes me feel undesireable! Like, why can’t I just turn you on?? Just strip my clothes off and let’s do it like animals? God, it hurts. I hope you get some very very soon.

October 9, 2004

ah… the chaos… it’s like you never left…

October 11, 2004

was it 4 am there? here it woulda been 7. which woulda been fine. if you meant me that is. heh. love you.

October 24, 2004

stopped in to say hi =) miss ya…

my heart and life has a huge hole w/o you.