I love the band “The Used” now. *sigh*
I hate when bands can carve out my insides and shatter every memory across the floor like a damn catastrophe.
And yet I love it and need and crave it…..
Anyway, I figure it won’t help much for me to try and write about all the krap that’s happened in the last 5 or so months. It would take forever and I’m sure it will come out in bits and pieces. So I’m just going to start now as if I never left and confuse anyone reading and perhaps I’ll get some evil glee.
*don’t you see… the evil glee… tee… heee…. um. hee.*
So I’m still a lunatic.
Anyway, I didn’t sleep well last night. I got the wonderful revelation that my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me.
And I haven’t had sex for over 2 months now.
(you know, it would make sense if you said what happened)
but i don’t feel like it.
Anyway, so he won’t… and who knows when he will.
and it’s making me crazy for lots of reasons… but I just feel so damn worthless and ridiculous because I know that if a guy can’t even just bone you, it’s gotta be bad.
and he won’t even do that because he claims that he doesn’t do that.
so that means he doesn’t … want me. I’m not…. something or other. I disappointed him and now I repulse him and it’s so amazingly painful I don’t know what to do.
Everything feels like krap right now. And so I just want to cry and cry.
Instead I get upset. And I say to myself “FINE THEN FUCKTARD! I WON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU. AND DON’T YOU DARE COME TRY AND TOUCH ME, CUZ I’LL TELL YOU I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!!!! so there! eat that fool!”
Yeah, like that would help. But in a way I know I don’t want to have sex with him right now either, after hearing that. I don’t want him to come try it if he just feels “bad” that I brought it up. And yesterday I ate a whole medium goddamn pizza, so I know I regained 5 or 6 pounds.
Whatever. I’m just not desirable right now.
What else is really new?
Oh and Jonathon has the cutest haircut.
I’ll post pictures… one day. I guess.
oh well, i shouldn’t be upset. I probably won’t even see him for another week. or two.
I had been trying to whisk him away to a hotel room for our 6 month anniversary… but he kept finding reasons not to go. Now I know why. How awful would that have been. All romantic and me being a sex deprived fool trying to turn him on… and instead getting turned away.
I think I’d have jumped off a bridge.
Anyway… before I end this melancholy entry, I must say that I hesitated coming back because my life is a confusing complicated drama infested wreck and I just felt like actually writing it down would make it seem more foolish. And then getting notes telling me just how goddamn stupid I was being or how to do things would make it exponentially worse.
But I realized last night as I st ared at the television and felt like used bubble gum on someones shoe…. that I needed to get it out.
I wanted to call someone… but it was 4 in th emorning and I don’t think she’d understand *wink wink*….
so Jonathon is trying to kill himself. I should go save him.
I want to read favorites, but I can’t today.
I miss ya’ll.