Nothing Feels right today
I woke up exhausted. I honestly just wanted to go back to sleep and sleep the whole day away. I had stuff I needed to get done, but I didn’t. My mom called me this morning, and mentioned that I havent really been talking to her. I can feel myself pulling away from everyone but I am just so exhausted. Me and my SO have a roomate, a puppy, 2 cats, and a child that stays here 80% of the time. Our roomate also has a cat.
The roomate situation is a bit difficult considering said roomate is my 20 year old brother. Now I know how my mom felt when I was 20 and making some really bad decisions. I am exhausted with him. He annoys the crap out of me, doesnt let me and my SO get alone time together, cuts me out of any conversation if its a “Guy topic” Like motorcycles and cars. If i bring up something he always mentions “Well (SO) said this) Ill go to my SO and hell say that its not exactly what he said. So on top of everything that he does (taking our food, smoking weed in our house, his room is disgusting and smells like BO and cat shit, his bathroom (Which is also the guest bathroom) smells and looks disgusting…) he is causing problems between me and my SO.
I wasnt expecting to have to deal with teenage behavior for another 10 years! (I have a two almost 3 year old son). On a good note, I havent cut in a long time, its been months but I dont believe its been quite a year. The last time I cut, my boyfriend looked me in the eyes and begged me not to anymore. He looked so beaten down by my mental health that I just cant do it anymore. Anytime I even think about it I just remember his face on that day, and I cant do it.
Trust is something that takes a lot of time. And the second my mental health starts slipping, everyone is scared to death that I am just going to slip right through the cracks and fall into the deep hole of depression that was my home for many years. Right now, it feels unsteady. Like I could fall in at anytime but everyone is holding their hands out to catch me.
on a completely unrelated subject, one of my closest friends moved 7 hours away to be with my cousin. She is dating my cousin, and I only found out recently that he is known to be abusive, and that was only when I spoke out to my mom about the stuff she had been telling me. Me and my friend spent a long time on the phone the other night. Just talking and talking and she was telling me about all the things he does. And its really bothering me. When she was down here, it was only a few times that he would yell or call her names. He’s very controlling and she wasn’t allowed to hang out with me if my boyfriend was around.
Well, once she moved up there, just like I thought, it began to get physical. He’s shoved her more than once and told her that he felt like hitting her. He’s diminished what is left of her self esteem by constantly putting her down and never complimenting her. She cant wear something to nice because then she wants other guys attention and she’s a whore. If she wears something too bummy he says that she doesnt want to look nice for him. She cant talk, look, or anything with another dude or hes gonna blow up on her.
I just wish I knew all these things beforehand. I’m scared for her, and I dont want to say anything to him for fear that he will flip out on her for telling me and risk her stopping all contact with me. I just wish she would leave him, and come home and be safe. I really hate this for her. I cant stand it. Anyways, this is a long entry and all in all im dealing with a lot of stress that cant be controlled aside from me just trying to let it go.