My mother

For as long as I can remember my mother has never been my “safe parent” of “warm parent”. She has always been cold and difficult to please. She was never understanding or easy to talk to. She was absent but there? She was gone but here. More focused on how she looked and what people thought of her versus how she was. More focused on the money she brought home versus the kids she had home alone.

She was not a good parent but she was a parent. I remember days and days of my brothers and I using the bus to go to school and to get home. She was never home when we were home. I am the youngest sibling to my sister and two brothers but I was always their mother. My sister was gone the minute she could leave. She was overindulged  in boyfriends and school events. I learned to take care of my brothers better than my mother did. I loved my brothers like a mother should love their sons. I looked out for them emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I cooked for them, cleaned for them, I cared about their feelings and how their days went more than I cared about mine. To me, it was a non thought I had to make sure they were okay before I made sure I was okay. I was not okay. I was never okay.

I took that with me into childhood, teenage hood and adulthood. To all my friends I was always “the mom of the group”. I couldn’t help it, that was all I ever knew.
I carried a lot of resentment, never towards my brothers but only towards my mother.  My father was an excellent father, BUT he was limited to his access to us. He was a “typical” father in the eyes of the courts. Every other weekend type shit.

When we were with my father it was a break for me. HE cared about MY feelings. He acknowledged me for what I was. He LOVED me. He always saved me from my darkest feelings and thoughts. He has always been my lifeline, my saving grace, my number one supporter. I owe my life to my father as a teen. I suffered so badly and he knew. He did his best to always help me. He was ALWAYS my shoulder when I broke and I broke a lot. There was never judgement from him only understanding and acceptance.

I just wanted my mom to love me but she didn’t. I was more of a hindrance to her rather than her youngest daughter, “the baby”. I wanted her to understand me but she never could. I was always “the bad kid” the “kid with an attitude”. I questioned her. I made her think about her as a parent. And she hated me for it. She resents me for being better of a parent than she could ever be.

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4 weeks ago

My mother wasn’t warm or loving either, although for different reasons.  I grieved when my father died; I only felt relief when she did, that I wouldn’t have to deal with her any more.  Ever.

4 weeks ago

@ghostdancer I’m sorry for your loss. I think my world would go up in flames if my father ever died. I owe my life to him. He’s the only one who ever saw me for me.

my mother had her reasons. A traumatic childhood and what not but she never turned it around for the better, she just kinda used it to look out for herself only. I can’t really blame her. I understand her more for it. My brothers really really resent her and I still can’t bring myself but to show her anything but love.

4 weeks ago

@clementinev I’ve always known that my mother was a very wounded person.  The stories from her childhood would curl your hair!  That being said — if I hadn’t had to grow up dealing with her & spending a lot of adult energy dealing with her, I would have had more compassion.  As it was … I felt very little if any.  I always thought she could have done more to be a regular human being, instead of the miserable, critical person that she stayed.

3 weeks ago

@ghostdancer I absolutely feel what you feel. My mother endured a lot in her childhood – teenage years. So did her sister. It’s crazy to compare the two because my mother is cold and my mom’s sister is warm. My mother’s sister would bend over backwards for her children and do anything at all for hers without judgment. My mother was quick to write us off. I can’t even find a number of times that my mother has kicked me out, called me a bitch or iced me out for months. This was all as me being a child. It’s caused a lot of damage BUT the silver lining is when I became a mother I became 10000000000x the mother she could ever be. I’m sorry you lost your mother and father but I’m happy you felt a sense of relief. I’m sure you’re doing awesome!

3 weeks ago

@clementinev That’s so … cosmic … my other was not exactly c9old, but certainly the warmth of human kindness didn’t flow very easily through her veins.  Her sister, my aunt, was always the “normal” one, the one everybody liked (including me).  But then my uncle died, and it turns out she took all the FOO residual stuff out on him and when he wasn’t there any more … I was next in line (being the only only.)  It was sad that she changed so much (I guess I should say finally showed her true colors.)

Their generation didn’t have the benefit of counseling, or much self-awareness and they did have rough childhoods.

I also tried to be a better mother than mine ever thought about being but evidently I failed as both my kids aren’t speaking to me & I have no idea why.  Maybe they inherited their grandmother’s genes … 😉