Pretzeling

Don’t give a hang.
I’m not doing anything today.
Maybe that’s not much different than the days just by,
but I’m declaring it.

This is the summer.
I was supposed to be pleasantly anticipating my month off vacation in July,
my well-earned respite from all the overwork I put in over the year.
Last year was the first and only year I was moved from being a twelve month employee to the perk of being an eleven month employee.
It was great.

Well, I’m getting time off now.
The only problem is unemployment is to vacation
what a hurrication (evacuation due to a hurricane) is to vacation.
You get time off all right, but it’s anything other than relaxing.
You spend your days filled with worry and dread, not knowing whether you’re ever going to have a life worth getting back to.

I went through Katrina.
I lost everything – except the job.
I was able to rebuild from scratch because I had the job.
I fared relatively fine and, like thousands around me, moved on.

This is my personal Katrina,
but there’s no CNN following it, dissecting it in minute detail,
no Fema involved in trying to make certain I recover.

I’m underwater here
with the levees broken and no Corps of engineers scrambling to fix them.

I’m old and I’m broken
(with serious pre-existing conditions there’s no guarantee I can get covered even if I get insurance again)
and there’s no …

Ah, screw it.
I’m tired attempting to make plans to recover when I;m going it alone and I have no idea how.
I’m tired of thinking about my dilemma, analyzing myself and my impossibilities.
I want, I need a vacation from feeling both incapable of rescuing myself
and guilty because that’s how I feel.

Once again, I’m not sure putting this into words is a good thing.
Once again, I feel like a tragedy exhibitionist for writing it publicly.

I really should just go bleed quietly and politely in the corner.

Sigh.

.

.

.

Okay.
That wasn’t helpful.

Today’s a day off.
It just is, has to be.
Maybe the rest of the week, too.
I am simply unable.
I can’t pretzel myself like this without relief and still survive sane.

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1 week ago

This doesn’t sound good at all. There has to be help out there to point you in the right directions and to offer a hand over the high curbs. Your state is not structured like mine so I don’t know what to suggest. Google ‘help for the unemployed?’ After a day off and lots of ice cream.

1 week ago

Take some time to wallow, my dear. You deserve that.

But then drag yourself up, dust yourself off, and start applying for everything. Just one thing every day, a phone call, an application, an online query, some research—-just one task per day towards getting yourself on your feet again. See if there are low/no income services to help you put together a resume. Even though you’ve been at the same job for years, much of what you did everyday at the school can translate into all kinds of marketable skills, and can be worded as such. Apply for unemployment, temp jobs, assistance. Find a “head-hunter”. Think about applying at other schools, law offices, city and county offices, printing companies, construction companies…any place that has need of general office and organizational skills. Which. You. Have.

Getting fired can kick your legs out from under you for awhile, but you are more valuable, experienced (and stronger) than you may believe at the moment. You also may have been wrongfully fired, especially if there was no warning, no probations/reviews, no specific instances proving that you failed to do what was expected, and no chance to defend yourself. See if there is anyone who can advise you about that—-there are sometimes retired lawyers through the city or county offices who can give you counsel for free. And not to get your old job back…heavens no. But maybe getting them to write a generic letter of recommendation after your “resignation” would help you out a lot.

Fight, dear Cobalt. This whole life shift may turn out to be the best thing to ever happen to you.

:)xoAdagio