Don’t give a hang.
I’m not doing anything today.
Maybe that’s not much different than the days just by,
but I’m declaring it.
This is the summer.
I was supposed to be pleasantly anticipating my month off vacation in July,
my well-earned respite from all the overwork I put in over the year.
Last year was the first and only year I was moved from being a twelve month employee to the perk of being an eleven month employee.
It was great.
Well, I’m getting time off now.
The only problem is unemployment is to vacation
what a hurrication (evacuation due to a hurricane) is to vacation.
You get time off all right, but it’s anything other than relaxing.
You spend your days filled with worry and dread, not knowing whether you’re ever going to have a life worth getting back to.
I went through Katrina.
I lost everything – except the job.
I was able to rebuild from scratch because I had the job.
I fared relatively fine and, like thousands around me, moved on.
This is my personal Katrina,
but there’s no CNN following it, dissecting it in minute detail,
no Fema involved in trying to make certain I recover.
I’m underwater here
with the levees broken and no Corps of engineers scrambling to fix them.
I’m old and I’m broken
(with serious pre-existing conditions there’s no guarantee I can get covered even if I get insurance again)
and there’s no …
Ah, screw it.
I’m tired attempting to make plans to recover when I;m going it alone and I have no idea how.
I’m tired of thinking about my dilemma, analyzing myself and my impossibilities.
I want, I need a vacation from feeling both incapable of rescuing myself
and guilty because that’s how I feel.
Once again, I’m not sure putting this into words is a good thing.
Once again, I feel like a tragedy exhibitionist for writing it publicly.
I really should just go bleed quietly and politely in the corner.
That wasn’t helpful.
Today’s a day off.
It just is, has to be.
Maybe the rest of the week, too.
I am simply unable.
I can’t pretzel myself like this without relief and still survive sane.