My body creaks and rattles now- I think my emotions are too big for it. I move and the tiredness and the drama crash up against each other. I’m weaker than I used to be- the years have piled up and I’ve under-invested in my own system. I fight against the urge to regret this incessently. I’m working on it now, I can’t go back and change the past, but my feelings flood out and then my mind ticks- it’s like nothing fits together properly inside of me. The feelings bang up against the bone, the memories churn about and take up too much of my energy. They require attention, in certain moments it’s like they demand a certain amount of attention. My heart stutters and stops, starts again- something flutters there, something niggles- demanding something I don’t have the capacity to give. Always demanding, always demanding. It’s the principle of it- it’s the dam principle. I’m so tired trying to live up to that standard, but I don’t have the energy now.

Maybe one day

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January 6, 2022

I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. Way back when, before I was on meds and seeing a psychotherapist, I felt this way too. I hope you can find a healthy way out of this.