Eleven months later

He messaged back. It’s so funny- the last time I wrote on here I’d had a really bad night with my boyfriend and then texted an old flame, on the off-chance that he’d message back and offer me some temporary relief. I messaged him one evening, and then wrote the next day that he hadn’t messaged back. I checked my email again about a month later, looking for something else and he’d messaged back. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t reply because I was still seeing my boyfriend then and it wasn’t right. Me and my ex had a lot of problems, but he wasn’t a completely bad guy, he didn’t deserve me to cheat on him.

I broke up with my ex about two months ago; so after writing on here almost a year ago I kept fighting for about another seven months, but had to eventually accept that no amount of work was going to fix what was wrong with us. I feel so much better now, I let it go on for much too long. He’s not a bad guy he’s just in a very different point in his life than I am. I know how narcissistic this makes me sound, but he reminds me of me about ten years ago. He simply goes with the flow- he’s not confident enough to realise the power he has, because he doesn’t feel it he cannot understand that regardless of that fact- his actions have consequences, when he throws a stone into a pool it causes ripples. He simply bobs along and looks to other people for direction. I think I told him things he simply wasn’t ready to hear or acknowledge, and his stubborn streak and massive pride couldn’t let him take guidance from me. However our relationship failing wasn’t all down to him, I simply couldn’t embrace the simplicity which he represented. My world isn’t simple, nothing in my world is simple and whilst I’m working towards a more relaxed state of mind he couldn’t understand that I couldn’t just fake it- I can’t fake things. He couldn’t let go of me long enough to let me get to where I wanted to get to. I would have stayed with him, but it seemed to me like he couldn’t trust me enough to let me grow, he couldn’t release his grip because I think this would have forced him to look critically at himself.

It was driving me crazy, but I do understand that I have massive failings myself. I have very high standards for myself- I cannot expect other people to hold those standards as well. I cannot expect other people to want to grow and progress like I do. Living with the diagnosis I do, I have had to grow and progress. This makes me very matter of fact about a lot of things. I think that for a long time I believed everybody else thought like I do, in fact I sometimes think that when I had my break down and was hospitalised I reverted back to a childlike state of mind. I think that for a very long time I have believed that everybody shared my values, everybody thought in a similar way to me. This is obviously completely ridiculous; like I’m looking at the world though a prism of myself. But then again that was a massive part of the schizophrenia and so I wonder whether this is some final stage of readjustment; realising/remembering how breath-takingly different people are.

Anyway. He messaged back, again.

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