Still reflecting I suppose..

So he didn’t email back. I guess it’s only been 12 hours or so, and I wasn’t really expecting him to. It was a stupid thing to do, and a part of me felt bad but another part said you’re not f*cking making out with him, you haven’t actually done anything which would warrant you feeling guilty.

This is one of the main reasons I don’t think me and boyfriend are right for one another; I seem to spend a vast proportion of my time feeling bad, or guilty, and I know this is because the way the mental illness has manifested itself in our relationship is meant that we’re both walking around on egg-shells. Too much has been said now, and none of that can be un-said. I lost the ability to try, over the last weekend, and in that space I only started to hear echoes. He didn’t step in to fill it, because I don’t think he knows how to.

I’m left doubting my own feelings, his feelings; and of course the voices only amplify that. He suggested upping my meds, and that upset me, even though I know he only said it as a way of moving past this and a way of moving closer to one another again. But I think, why can’t you step up, why can’t you show me that you’re making a real effort and taking tangible steps to stop doing the things which bug me, or at least acknowledging them when you do. But then I feel guilty, that I’m expecting too much.

I’m sick of feeling uncertain, and distracted, and down and bad. I’m sick of all of it, and I’m 90% certain none of it is going to change whilst we’re together.

Anyway, just thought I’d clock in. This anonymity is great for writing.

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June 15, 2018

If you’re feeling bad or guilty most of the time, I think that’s indicates something needs to change – but it sounds like you already realize that…