Anxiety

My eyes are fuckin WIPED! OMG I’m so exhausted. I’ve been doing queer festival stuff for days and days it feels like. Tomorrow is gonna be the tenth day since I left home, and I GET to go home thank god. But yeah, so long! I’VE BEEN HERE SO LONG!!! It’s the last day of the festival, one dinner, two performances, one screening. I’m gonna power through it! Overall it’s been a wonderful experience. It’s just weird to have amazing times with friends and colleagues and then go back to my hotel every night to cry about Jessie. Like I thought it would get better. It doesn’t help that I keep listening to this sad song. But it will be okay, I know. I’ve decided I’m gonna have to be the bigger person and try to send another email tomorrow to see if there is any way of salvaging something. She hasn’t liked anything I have posted, like a big fucking baby. She’s so goddamn pouty.

I had my performance last night, and it was intense, and good. Some people laughed and cried and felt a lot of things and people kept coming up to me after telling me how amazing it was. Which was nice to hear. It was pretty intimate. I think it was fine. I smiled at times listening to my recorded voice tell stories about my love life. So bizarre. I think the ending was nice. I have a better idea of how to do it next time, it probably won’t deviate from this time much.

I wish Jessie would come when I perform it in October, but I can’t imagine her putting herself in that situation. I’d be naked in a room doing a thing with love life history playing overtop. She would hate it. And I deliberately left all the stuff about her out of it. I didn’t want any of that sad stuff in there. Well, also to be honest there was a lot of horny stuff about her in my diary, especially last year. But none of her stuff got in my performance. I still think she won’t come, she’s just not going to support my stuff again.

I wish she could fucking talk to me. Instead of this whatever. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow I can write to her, although I know it’s a Sunday so she might hate me for writing before her work week. Again. But something has to happen. I don’t know, what would I say to her? I guess I would just try to explain that I didn’t mean for her to be so upset by my email, I had just been worried I was a creep for texting her and I didn’t even know if that was okay for her. And that I wanted to know if she was just never gonna be alone with me again. But even if she wasn’t comfortable being alone with me, I wasn’t gonna ditch her based on that, like I do like texting her. It’s sad it’s such a tiny kind of friendship. BUT mostly the email was to find out her boundaries cause if I am crossing them I want to know. And I wasn’t trying to be mean or upsetting. I was coming from a place of care and I guess she didn’t read it that way, which was unfortunate. And I didn’t think through the timing well, which was disappointing for me. But at the same time I honestly wasn’t trying to cause her this kind of anguish where we can’t even communicate anymore. Anyway, I can’t make her be my friend. Like if she is gonna walk then that’s the way it is. And it is true that her reactionary response to my email was so weird and over the top and out of left field. I don’t know why she got so angry. I hope it didn’t come across as a friend break up email, because that’s not what I wanted at all. Ugh.

Anyway, I should go get ready for this dinner. It’s so cold here. I miss Toronto. I’ve been away for so long. And I miss home. And I miss my dogs. And I fucking miss Jessie a whole bunch and I don’t know if she is ever going to be close to me again. She’s so fucking confusing. Goddamn anxiety, I think that’s where most of this reaction was coming from. I didn’t mean to spark that kind of anxiety in her.